A Real Relationship

I currently find myself sitting in a coffee shop at the University I am attending. As I listen to Poor Rich Folk's I Do I look around & find myself observing those around me. I see cross necklaces & Bibles & lots of Macs as students study.

And I'm struck with the thought, 'How many of them really have a relationship with Christ?' Is He real to them...more than an idea & a way to a happy, pretty, nice, afterlife if such a thing exists?

Don't get me wrong, I question because I believe. And I am constantly striving to have a very real relationship with Him. I want that for others. I want them to know that He is real, to experience that. No, I don't think about Him all the time, not do I talk to Him all the time. I'm not perfect.

Then I think about what I am doing to help others see how real He is. Well, it's not much. I don't step out or speak up often. And I certainly don't speak of Christ to those I don't already know. Here recently I've found myself more & more often leaning into Christ during my conversations though.

When the opportunity to share how He has impacted my life, that's where I typically go. When I can share how He has appeared in the lives of my friends, I go there. When I can relate to an experience or a situation that someone is it & I have either had Christ there in my life personally or seen Him in the lives of those I know, I tell the person I'm speaking to about it. I want them to know. I want them to feel His love & see His works in my life & in the lives of my friends if it can help me relate.



What are you searching for?

Vulnerability and Trust

Vulnerable.

Adjective.

From the Latin vulnerare meaning to wound.

Date: 1605

1 : capable of being physically or emotionally wounded
2 : open to attack or damage : assailable

My first test was last night and it just so happened that I finished at the same time as a friend of mine. We were walking out to our cars when she started talking to me about what she's been going through...learning to really feel her emotions instead of recognizing them in an intellectual way and then moving on in life without processing through them. One of the things that we kept coming back to, either by her talking about it or by me connecting it with something she said, was vulnerability.

C.S. Lewis once wrote: "To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.”

So much can be seen in his words. We risk when we open ourselves to loving anything...anything at all. And I think that part of what plays into being willing to risk, is whether or not we are able to trust.

Do me a favor: Go to dictionary.com and look up the word trust.


I was astounded to find so many different definitions of the word when I did this.

Now go look at what I found when I searched for the biblical definition of the word trust: Biblical Word of the Month - Trust written by: Jeff A. Benner One of the things that struck me most was that the Hebrew language was as a concrete based language, meaning that each word can be sensed by one or more of our five senses. So trust takes on a whole new meaning: it's something concrete.

I had a revelation about two weeks ago. I realized that for a very long while now I've thought that finding the right man and getting married to him would help put an end to all my problems. I heard others say that marriage is hard, it compounds the difficulties you already face in life, and it is like looking into a mirror that reflects the areas you most need to work on in your life. While I heard what they were saying and recognized it as true in my head, I realized that I didn't really trust what they were saying was true in my heart.

In the same way, I realized that while I've thought in my head that finding and beginning a life with my husband would solve my problems, I knew all along in my heart that not only was this not true, but I knew already that God was the only one who could change that for me. And while I know that God is the answer, I don't really trust Him. And that's difficult for me to face.

So... At the end of the day, what can we do? We can trust love and we can make the commitment to being vulnerable.

Because we don't know what our future holds and it's not for us to know. But God does, so rest in that.

Ramblings about the general everyday.

I want to be profound here, but let's be honest...all anyone can do is just be. Life, with all its eccentricities and wonders, can be both beautiful and devastating. We seem to spend all our time looking for something or someone. And in the end, we still haven't found it or them.

I guess what I'm trying to get at here is that very little in life is a given. Change is constant and God is absolute. Christ is, was, and is to come. Other than that, what do we have?

We have what we are allowed: our choices, the breath that we are taking, our minds, and our hearts. We have ourselves, as much as that is possible.

Some might argue that we have others: those we call family, friend, or acquaintance.

But I look at them and say, do you really have them? Or are you just allowed their company for the time being? How well can you really know someone else if you can't fully come to know yourself?

We are on this earth for but an instant, such a short period of time that we don't even have a good comparison, a good analogy for that shortness.

So what will you do with your time? Who will you love? Where will you go?

Love & War by John & Staci Eldredge

"Daniel and Megan, you are about to abandon yourselves to each other, throw caution to the wind, forsake independence, isolation, and all others. You will vow to each other your undying love. before you do, we must call this what it is--this is perfect madness."

That got the crowd's attention.

"As an aspiration, how lovely. As a reality, how rare. Everyone wants love; everyone is looking for love. Few seem to find what they are looking for; fewer still seem able to sustain it. Why in heaven's name would you come to church to publicly dedicate yourselves to something so risky, so fraught with danger, so scandalous? 'The heart has its reasons,' Pascal confessed, 'that reason knows not of.' Deep in the wellspring of our hearts there is a desire--for intimacy, beauty, and adventure. And no matter what anyone might say, we look for it all the days of our lives.

"Friends, I know what you are thinking. As you watch this today, there is something in your heart that says, 'Well maybe. Maybe this time. Maybe this couple.' But what if, what if Daniel and Megan, in all their frail humanity, are living our before us right now a picture, a metaphor of something far more real and substantial. I'd like to suggest that this is no common passion play. Things are never what they seem. If you would see things clearly you must see with the eyes of the heart. That is the secret of every fairy tale, because it is the secret to the Gospel, because it is the secret to life.

"Scripture tells us that we might at any time entertain an angel simply by welcoming a stranger. The serpent in the garden is really the Prince of Darkness. The carpenter from Nazareth--there is more to him than meets the eye as well. Things are not what they seem, and so if we would understand our lives--and especially our marriages--we must listen again to the Gospel and the fairy tales based upon it. There are larger events unfolding around us, events of enormous consequence. A lamp is lit and love is lost. A box is opened and evil swarms into the worlds. An apple is taken and mankind is plunged into darkness. Moments of immense consequence are taking place all around us. Especially this.

"Dearly beloved, you see before you a man and a woman. But there is more here than meets the eye. God gave us this passion play to reenact, right here and now, the story of the ages. This is the story of mankind, the one story we have been telling ourselves over and over again, in every great myth and legend and poem and song. It is a love story, set in the midst of desperate times, set in the midst of war. It is a story of a shared quest. It is a story of romance. Daniel and Megan are playing out before you now the deepest and most mythic reality in the world. This is the story of God's romance with mankind."

...this is just part of an excerpt from chapter one of John & Staci Eldredge's new book, Love & War. You can find the rest of it here: Love & War Excerpt. I encourage you to at least look at this portion of the book, if for some reason you aren't inspired to go out & grab it right now. It looks incredible!

Stream of Consciousness

Here is an update and a bit of a processing moment for me.

What I learned in class:

1. Blue Eyes broke up with a girl because they both felt like God had more to do in their lives. Don't know if this means they still have feelings for each other or not. He refers to her as a good friend. They attend the same church. He's on a 21 day TV & Facebook fast...not for lent, just because he felt like God was telling him to.

2. Don't know if Mr. S is gay or not but I did overhear him saying to a friend of mine that he's trying to save money. Of course my mind immediately goes to 'for a ring' but I can't be sure I heard that. Either way, I'm backing off.

3. I'm still pretty sensitive to talking about family issues. My parents divorced about 10 years ago over my father's lack of financial responsibility and multiple infidelities (that varied in taste, might I add...what started out as a porn addiction escalated to full-blown relationships with members of both sexes).

Needless to say, I have daddy issues. I don't know any girl who's gone through something like this that doesn't have daddy issues. However, I feel I must also inform you that I am actively working to overcome these issues.

What I learned after class:

The background story: E is a guy that immediately stuck me as a nice & funny, but COMPLETELY superficial guy. Not honest in the least. As I've come to spend more class time with him, I have discovered that E has a very interesting and somewhat sordid past...I am fighting some sort of cold I think, recently started a new kind or birth control because my insurance no longer covered the one I was on, and was already on edgy emotionally due to the family issues discussion in class so when E asked me as we were leaving last night if I was coming with the group to hang out I told him no because 'I didn't want to rip him to shreds.' Who wouldn't that start a conversation with???

What the resolution (sort of) was: E wants to work on the fact that he irks me...more specifically on coming off as a superficial goofball who's not honest (my words, not his). I originally struck him as friendly...up until last night when he complimented me on the new hair color and I was hostile towards him: had the attitude of 'why on earth would YOU notice that???' He wants to "at least be on a friendship level" with me.

We talked about why I don't trust him and the difference, in my opinion, between lying and being honest. Lying is lying but being honest means letting people in, not just telling your stories and your experiences, but sharing who you are...being vulnerable. And while I understand why he's hesitant to trust and be honest...it's still not ok with me.

Processing of what happened after class: Why should it matter to me? I think it matters because I see him as someone who's not getting the most out of his life. I think it matters because I think I can help him. But boy, oh boy, is that ever NOT good for me. He's the type of guy I want to go after to date. He's attractive. He's funny. He has a nice smile. And he's messed up. At least I can recognize this and keep myself in check. Don't go after him. Be open to being friends with him, but let's leave it at that.

Flirtations

This has been a strange last few days. Thursday I saw Mr. S (the one with the awesome smile) and asked him how I can make him smile more often. He said 'nothing' and that by the time he makes it to class he's exhausted. The glance back blue eyed boy has still been glancing back but hasn't said anything to me since I asked him to dinner after class not this past Thursday, but the one before. I found him on Facebook today and despite his self proclamation of being straight laced (which I wasn't too keen on), I liked what I saw...

I had a girlfriend come to church with me Sunday and we went to lunch afterward. We talked about the boys and she said that she thinks Mr. S is quite possibly gay. Hmm...hadn't thought that but it is indeed possible. She has said that she will find out and that I shouldn't do anything until we know. Agreed. Then we got to talking about another boy in class...they work together and I'm attracted to him. But I recognize that I'm attracted to him because I want to fix him. He puts off this air of being fun but very superficial. He doesn't allow others in. I asked her to keep me accountable in NOT falling for him but in keeping a rational mind.

Another friend of mine told her best guy friend that the two of us should get married. He's a 32 year old divorced father of two boys. Now granted, he's attractive. He had asked her a few months ago if she thought I'd go out with him if he asked. I said no because 1)they're good friends and I'm one of her best friends 2) I'm looking for my husband and he's just looking to date and 3) he's fake -- I'd never seen anything real from him in the time we'd been hanging out. Then we went to see him & one of his sons at Chick-Fil-A and it completely threw me for a loop. He was real and he was loving. For the first time I saw a part of him that was true. And for a while, I entertained the idea of liking him. But in the end, what it comes down to is that he's not my type and...I'm right, he's not looking for a relationship.

Perhaps I'll have more after class tomorrow night. The three boys are all in that class...let's see where this goes.

With love,
Sofi

The Church in Haiti

To give you a sense of the condition of Haiti...the people of Haiti...and the Christians of Haiti I suggest you watch this video.

Mark Driscoll traveled to Haiti about 48 hours after the earthquake that brought the city to so much trauma. May your hearts be touched by his message and the images that you see here.