A Real Relationship

I currently find myself sitting in a coffee shop at the University I am attending. As I listen to Poor Rich Folk's I Do I look around & find myself observing those around me. I see cross necklaces & Bibles & lots of Macs as students study.

And I'm struck with the thought, 'How many of them really have a relationship with Christ?' Is He real to them...more than an idea & a way to a happy, pretty, nice, afterlife if such a thing exists?

Don't get me wrong, I question because I believe. And I am constantly striving to have a very real relationship with Him. I want that for others. I want them to know that He is real, to experience that. No, I don't think about Him all the time, not do I talk to Him all the time. I'm not perfect.

Then I think about what I am doing to help others see how real He is. Well, it's not much. I don't step out or speak up often. And I certainly don't speak of Christ to those I don't already know. Here recently I've found myself more & more often leaning into Christ during my conversations though.

When the opportunity to share how He has impacted my life, that's where I typically go. When I can share how He has appeared in the lives of my friends, I go there. When I can relate to an experience or a situation that someone is it & I have either had Christ there in my life personally or seen Him in the lives of those I know, I tell the person I'm speaking to about it. I want them to know. I want them to feel His love & see His works in my life & in the lives of my friends if it can help me relate.



What are you searching for?

Stream of Consciousness

Here is an update and a bit of a processing moment for me.

What I learned in class:

1. Blue Eyes broke up with a girl because they both felt like God had more to do in their lives. Don't know if this means they still have feelings for each other or not. He refers to her as a good friend. They attend the same church. He's on a 21 day TV & Facebook fast...not for lent, just because he felt like God was telling him to.

2. Don't know if Mr. S is gay or not but I did overhear him saying to a friend of mine that he's trying to save money. Of course my mind immediately goes to 'for a ring' but I can't be sure I heard that. Either way, I'm backing off.

3. I'm still pretty sensitive to talking about family issues. My parents divorced about 10 years ago over my father's lack of financial responsibility and multiple infidelities (that varied in taste, might I add...what started out as a porn addiction escalated to full-blown relationships with members of both sexes).

Needless to say, I have daddy issues. I don't know any girl who's gone through something like this that doesn't have daddy issues. However, I feel I must also inform you that I am actively working to overcome these issues.

What I learned after class:

The background story: E is a guy that immediately stuck me as a nice & funny, but COMPLETELY superficial guy. Not honest in the least. As I've come to spend more class time with him, I have discovered that E has a very interesting and somewhat sordid past...I am fighting some sort of cold I think, recently started a new kind or birth control because my insurance no longer covered the one I was on, and was already on edgy emotionally due to the family issues discussion in class so when E asked me as we were leaving last night if I was coming with the group to hang out I told him no because 'I didn't want to rip him to shreds.' Who wouldn't that start a conversation with???

What the resolution (sort of) was: E wants to work on the fact that he irks me...more specifically on coming off as a superficial goofball who's not honest (my words, not his). I originally struck him as friendly...up until last night when he complimented me on the new hair color and I was hostile towards him: had the attitude of 'why on earth would YOU notice that???' He wants to "at least be on a friendship level" with me.

We talked about why I don't trust him and the difference, in my opinion, between lying and being honest. Lying is lying but being honest means letting people in, not just telling your stories and your experiences, but sharing who you are...being vulnerable. And while I understand why he's hesitant to trust and be honest...it's still not ok with me.

Processing of what happened after class: Why should it matter to me? I think it matters because I see him as someone who's not getting the most out of his life. I think it matters because I think I can help him. But boy, oh boy, is that ever NOT good for me. He's the type of guy I want to go after to date. He's attractive. He's funny. He has a nice smile. And he's messed up. At least I can recognize this and keep myself in check. Don't go after him. Be open to being friends with him, but let's leave it at that.

Flirtations

This has been a strange last few days. Thursday I saw Mr. S (the one with the awesome smile) and asked him how I can make him smile more often. He said 'nothing' and that by the time he makes it to class he's exhausted. The glance back blue eyed boy has still been glancing back but hasn't said anything to me since I asked him to dinner after class not this past Thursday, but the one before. I found him on Facebook today and despite his self proclamation of being straight laced (which I wasn't too keen on), I liked what I saw...

I had a girlfriend come to church with me Sunday and we went to lunch afterward. We talked about the boys and she said that she thinks Mr. S is quite possibly gay. Hmm...hadn't thought that but it is indeed possible. She has said that she will find out and that I shouldn't do anything until we know. Agreed. Then we got to talking about another boy in class...they work together and I'm attracted to him. But I recognize that I'm attracted to him because I want to fix him. He puts off this air of being fun but very superficial. He doesn't allow others in. I asked her to keep me accountable in NOT falling for him but in keeping a rational mind.

Another friend of mine told her best guy friend that the two of us should get married. He's a 32 year old divorced father of two boys. Now granted, he's attractive. He had asked her a few months ago if she thought I'd go out with him if he asked. I said no because 1)they're good friends and I'm one of her best friends 2) I'm looking for my husband and he's just looking to date and 3) he's fake -- I'd never seen anything real from him in the time we'd been hanging out. Then we went to see him & one of his sons at Chick-Fil-A and it completely threw me for a loop. He was real and he was loving. For the first time I saw a part of him that was true. And for a while, I entertained the idea of liking him. But in the end, what it comes down to is that he's not my type and...I'm right, he's not looking for a relationship.

Perhaps I'll have more after class tomorrow night. The three boys are all in that class...let's see where this goes.

With love,
Sofi