Stream of Consciousness

Here is an update and a bit of a processing moment for me.

What I learned in class:

1. Blue Eyes broke up with a girl because they both felt like God had more to do in their lives. Don't know if this means they still have feelings for each other or not. He refers to her as a good friend. They attend the same church. He's on a 21 day TV & Facebook fast...not for lent, just because he felt like God was telling him to.

2. Don't know if Mr. S is gay or not but I did overhear him saying to a friend of mine that he's trying to save money. Of course my mind immediately goes to 'for a ring' but I can't be sure I heard that. Either way, I'm backing off.

3. I'm still pretty sensitive to talking about family issues. My parents divorced about 10 years ago over my father's lack of financial responsibility and multiple infidelities (that varied in taste, might I add...what started out as a porn addiction escalated to full-blown relationships with members of both sexes).

Needless to say, I have daddy issues. I don't know any girl who's gone through something like this that doesn't have daddy issues. However, I feel I must also inform you that I am actively working to overcome these issues.

What I learned after class:

The background story: E is a guy that immediately stuck me as a nice & funny, but COMPLETELY superficial guy. Not honest in the least. As I've come to spend more class time with him, I have discovered that E has a very interesting and somewhat sordid past...I am fighting some sort of cold I think, recently started a new kind or birth control because my insurance no longer covered the one I was on, and was already on edgy emotionally due to the family issues discussion in class so when E asked me as we were leaving last night if I was coming with the group to hang out I told him no because 'I didn't want to rip him to shreds.' Who wouldn't that start a conversation with???

What the resolution (sort of) was: E wants to work on the fact that he irks me...more specifically on coming off as a superficial goofball who's not honest (my words, not his). I originally struck him as friendly...up until last night when he complimented me on the new hair color and I was hostile towards him: had the attitude of 'why on earth would YOU notice that???' He wants to "at least be on a friendship level" with me.

We talked about why I don't trust him and the difference, in my opinion, between lying and being honest. Lying is lying but being honest means letting people in, not just telling your stories and your experiences, but sharing who you are...being vulnerable. And while I understand why he's hesitant to trust and be honest...it's still not ok with me.

Processing of what happened after class: Why should it matter to me? I think it matters because I see him as someone who's not getting the most out of his life. I think it matters because I think I can help him. But boy, oh boy, is that ever NOT good for me. He's the type of guy I want to go after to date. He's attractive. He's funny. He has a nice smile. And he's messed up. At least I can recognize this and keep myself in check. Don't go after him. Be open to being friends with him, but let's leave it at that.