I don't quite know where to begin...
Perhaps I'm too sensitive.
I just saw a Facebook update that says a guy that I was dating (a couple months ago) is now in a relationship...and for some reason that stung. I knew that we had no potential, no future, and that's why we stopped dating. But still, my heart hurts just a little bit.
I am starting discipleship/accountability with a friend. We met for the first time last week and after telling her why I was wanting to start this process with her, she challenged me to take some time to not date. Instead, just refocus my life and spend time alone and with God. I've taken on this challenge and committed myself to at least 7-8 weeks...perhaps more. But still, seeing this guy's Facebook update hurt.
I've been feeling this week like I am being prepared for something. The thing is, I have no idea what that something is. I feel like I need to escape the everyday and find space in the wide open outdoors where I can lay out on the grass and read, and write, and sleep, and dream. Walden-esque anyone?
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Vulnerability and Trust
Vulnerable.
Adjective.
From the Latin vulnerare meaning to wound.
Date: 1605
1 : capable of being physically or emotionally wounded
2 : open to attack or damage : assailable
My first test was last night and it just so happened that I finished at the same time as a friend of mine. We were walking out to our cars when she started talking to me about what she's been going through...learning to really feel her emotions instead of recognizing them in an intellectual way and then moving on in life without processing through them. One of the things that we kept coming back to, either by her talking about it or by me connecting it with something she said, was vulnerability.
C.S. Lewis once wrote: "To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.”
So much can be seen in his words. We risk when we open ourselves to loving anything...anything at all. And I think that part of what plays into being willing to risk, is whether or not we are able to trust.
Do me a favor: Go to dictionary.com and look up the word trust.
I was astounded to find so many different definitions of the word when I did this.
Now go look at what I found when I searched for the biblical definition of the word trust: Biblical Word of the Month - Trust written by: Jeff A. Benner One of the things that struck me most was that the Hebrew language was as a concrete based language, meaning that each word can be sensed by one or more of our five senses. So trust takes on a whole new meaning: it's something concrete.
I had a revelation about two weeks ago. I realized that for a very long while now I've thought that finding the right man and getting married to him would help put an end to all my problems. I heard others say that marriage is hard, it compounds the difficulties you already face in life, and it is like looking into a mirror that reflects the areas you most need to work on in your life. While I heard what they were saying and recognized it as true in my head, I realized that I didn't really trust what they were saying was true in my heart.
In the same way, I realized that while I've thought in my head that finding and beginning a life with my husband would solve my problems, I knew all along in my heart that not only was this not true, but I knew already that God was the only one who could change that for me. And while I know that God is the answer, I don't really trust Him. And that's difficult for me to face.
So... At the end of the day, what can we do? We can trust love and we can make the commitment to being vulnerable.
Because we don't know what our future holds and it's not for us to know. But God does, so rest in that.
Adjective.
From the Latin vulnerare meaning to wound.
Date: 1605
1 : capable of being physically or emotionally wounded
2 : open to attack or damage : assailable
My first test was last night and it just so happened that I finished at the same time as a friend of mine. We were walking out to our cars when she started talking to me about what she's been going through...learning to really feel her emotions instead of recognizing them in an intellectual way and then moving on in life without processing through them. One of the things that we kept coming back to, either by her talking about it or by me connecting it with something she said, was vulnerability.
C.S. Lewis once wrote: "To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.”
So much can be seen in his words. We risk when we open ourselves to loving anything...anything at all. And I think that part of what plays into being willing to risk, is whether or not we are able to trust.
Do me a favor: Go to dictionary.com and look up the word trust.
I was astounded to find so many different definitions of the word when I did this.
Now go look at what I found when I searched for the biblical definition of the word trust: Biblical Word of the Month - Trust written by: Jeff A. Benner One of the things that struck me most was that the Hebrew language was as a concrete based language, meaning that each word can be sensed by one or more of our five senses. So trust takes on a whole new meaning: it's something concrete.
I had a revelation about two weeks ago. I realized that for a very long while now I've thought that finding the right man and getting married to him would help put an end to all my problems. I heard others say that marriage is hard, it compounds the difficulties you already face in life, and it is like looking into a mirror that reflects the areas you most need to work on in your life. While I heard what they were saying and recognized it as true in my head, I realized that I didn't really trust what they were saying was true in my heart.
In the same way, I realized that while I've thought in my head that finding and beginning a life with my husband would solve my problems, I knew all along in my heart that not only was this not true, but I knew already that God was the only one who could change that for me. And while I know that God is the answer, I don't really trust Him. And that's difficult for me to face.
So... At the end of the day, what can we do? We can trust love and we can make the commitment to being vulnerable.
Because we don't know what our future holds and it's not for us to know. But God does, so rest in that.
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Ramblings about the general everyday.
I want to be profound here, but let's be honest...all anyone can do is just be. Life, with all its eccentricities and wonders, can be both beautiful and devastating. We seem to spend all our time looking for something or someone. And in the end, we still haven't found it or them.
I guess what I'm trying to get at here is that very little in life is a given. Change is constant and God is absolute. Christ is, was, and is to come. Other than that, what do we have?
We have what we are allowed: our choices, the breath that we are taking, our minds, and our hearts. We have ourselves, as much as that is possible.
Some might argue that we have others: those we call family, friend, or acquaintance.
But I look at them and say, do you really have them? Or are you just allowed their company for the time being? How well can you really know someone else if you can't fully come to know yourself?
We are on this earth for but an instant, such a short period of time that we don't even have a good comparison, a good analogy for that shortness.
So what will you do with your time? Who will you love? Where will you go?
I guess what I'm trying to get at here is that very little in life is a given. Change is constant and God is absolute. Christ is, was, and is to come. Other than that, what do we have?
We have what we are allowed: our choices, the breath that we are taking, our minds, and our hearts. We have ourselves, as much as that is possible.
Some might argue that we have others: those we call family, friend, or acquaintance.
But I look at them and say, do you really have them? Or are you just allowed their company for the time being? How well can you really know someone else if you can't fully come to know yourself?
We are on this earth for but an instant, such a short period of time that we don't even have a good comparison, a good analogy for that shortness.
So what will you do with your time? Who will you love? Where will you go?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)