Tapestries

A friend of mine wrote today in her blog:

God really does know what He is doing, and it is indeed a tapestry. We are all woven into the fabric, and as a result are bound together in ways that ultimately reveal themselves over time.

How right she is!

Recently I've been feeling down about where my life is going and what role I play in God's ultimate plans in His Kingdom. Where does He want to use me? Where is He using me now? I don't feel like I'm doing Him much good. But in reading this today, I was reminded that oftentimes God will use us in ways that we do not comprehend or perhaps even realize that we are being used...

He does know what He is doing though and it is all connected. He is building this tapestry, woven together in ways that we cannot see at the moment because we are only one strand of thread. But with time we are able to look back and begin to see the wonderful work He has created using us all together. One body under one head, who is Christ.

Family and Love

I love my family. They are an incredible group of people who are very interesting, each in his or her unique way. This week I've been in Wyoming with some of them. We started in Yellowstone and arrived in Jackson Hole about an hour and a half ago. The thing is, while I love them dearly, they're beginning to wear on me...in a big way.

Now I know I'm not alone in this. I met one of my friends on his way home for a holiday and he was telling me how three days with them was more than enough for a while. At the time I wondered, 'Hmm...how would I handle that?' Now I understand. After four full days of close family interaction...over 13 hours of travel Saturday, confined in a car in Yellowstone off and on from Sunday to today...yes, I understand.

And I think we're all feeling a little like this. We're ready for some time apart and a little more freedom. We've had to make plans as a group for the last three days. We only had two cars for eight of us and come on, let's face it, it's Yellowstone. You want to be out and seeing the park! But we were a little limited in where and when we could go places... Here's to hoping Jackson will provide us with that freedom from one another and time apart for a bit so we can recharge for more time with each other on this trip.

On another note, I've been reading a book called He Loves Me by Wayne Jacobsen. A friend recommended it to me. It's all about learning to live in the Father's love for me. God has been moving me as I read this book. Some parts I fly through and am deeply touched by while others I struggle to read the next line as it shakes me to the core so much with its truth. God is incredible. He wants so much to have a real relationship with us and we so often push Him away. I could probably speculate for the rest of the night as to why this is, but I'll leave you to your own musings. Anyway...I think I'm three chapters in and I would recommend this to anyone! I love this book already and I feel like it will be something I turn back to time and time again. So thank you Lord, for leading me to MusicR so that he could introduce me to Wayne and his book, which just turned me back to you again. I love you.

A Prayer

I'm tired of waiting and these feelings of dissatisfaction. Why is my heart not thrilled to be loved by You O Lord? Renew in me a passion for You, for the things of Your heart.

In Colossians Paul and Timothy say:

"For this reason, since the day we heard about you, we have not stopped praying for you and asking God to fill you with the knowledge of his will through all spiritual wisdom and understanding. And we pray this in order that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and may please him in every way: bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God, being strengthened with all power according to his glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience, and joyfully giving thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of the saints in the kingdom of light. For he has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the Son he loves, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins."

Lord, may this be true for me.

Casting Crowns has a song out now called Somewhere In The Middle and one of the lines says, "Just how close can I get Lord, to my surrender, without losing control?" I believe this is perhaps one of my biggest faults and worries and obstacles. I want the control. I don't want to give that up because I fear being lost. The irony is, I already feel lost and I do have the control. Lord, I want to get to a place where I have no doubt in You. Right now, I feel like that's not where I am, not completely. I still act in ways that say I don't fully trust in You - what You say, what You'll do - and I don't like that about myself.

The Condition of the Heart

“Chim picked up his camera the way a doctor takes his stethoscope out of his bag, applying his diagnosis to the condition of the heart. His own was vulnerable.”
~ Henri Cartier-Bresson (French Photographer, 1908-2004)

___________________________________________________

All of my problems lay in my hands
I feel the pressure creeping in
All of these demons dance in my head
And I want to feel you now

Clouded and wounded my head strikes my heart
I need the gift, the gift of love
So Savior come save me, my heart's on fire
I want to feel you now

Because I want to see, I want to love
Want to find what I've been dreaming of
So I'll stay, I'll stay with you
Where I've nothing left to prove

Teacher come teach me, I don't know a thing
My head is twisted up in knots
Savior come save me, my heart's on fire
And I want to feel you now

Because I want to see, I want to love
I've got to find what I've been dreaming of
So I'll stay, I'll stay with you
Where I've nothing left to lose

No matter where we go
There's nowhere that we can hide
Cause I know that you're the one that'll be there

And no matter where we go
There's nowhere that we can hide
I know that you're the one that'll be there

Wanted to see
Want to love
Now I've found what I've been dreaming of
So I'll stay, I'll stay with you, where I am real

Now I am yours tonight
And you are mine tonight
Yes we are one tonight
Yes we are one

Cause I am yours
You are mine
Tonight

Cause we are one tonight

Now I am yours

Heart on Fire ~ Luminate

Honeysuckle & Lavender

You know the way the night air smells? Have you ever tasted the honeysuckles or been consumed by the calm of lavender after a rain? I love it. And this past week, there's been so much of it surrounding me.

As I drive home at night, windows down, a cool chill in the air, the honeysuckles drift in and settle on my tongue. And then, once I've arrived home, I'm greeted by the relaxing scent of lavender -- that cool calm you breathe in.

So after the days of discontent and feelings of inadequacy and worthlessness, these remind me that I am loved. Me, an imperfect person, loved...by a perfect Savior. He wraps His arms around me in these moments, even in my tears, my screams, my frustrations. I know that He has given me this as just one way to say, "I love you and I will not leave you." For that is my greatest fear, and He knows that well.