Ok, Seriously, WHAT THE F***?!?!?!

I think yoga class last night was the only relief I've gotten from my own mind since last Thursday. I spent a good bit of last weekend with C whom I've known and liked for several years. And I know that he likes me...right now...but we live three hours apart & he's not a Christian. There's something to think on, to lose sleep over, to dream about.

Then yesterday... I've liked this guy at work for a while. We went on a few dates then he stopped talking to me & started officially dating someone else. We're talking and I discover that he still likes me...a lot. Oh my! Yes, please, let me have something else to think on, to lose sleep over, and to dream about.

So who do I talk to about this minor dilemma??? Not my girlfriends, many of them just discourage me from what I am feeling and thinking. Not my guy friends because the ones I would talk to about this are the same ones who like me. So I talk to you. I sen my thoughts & feelings out over invisible connections from my screen to yours. And I pray that God will give me strong guidance and self-discipline.

I pray that God would open the hearts and minds of these guys in my life.

I pray.

What The...C******?

I spent my weekend with one of my best friends. We met the first week of college, over seven years ago, and have been friends ever since. One night that first week we were hanging out and he asked if he could kiss me. I said no. And now I'm wondering if perhaps I'll get the chance to say yes.

We went out on a date...by default...but it was amazing. We took pictures of the city skyline, went to the tail end of a friend's concert, laid out under the stars (where he kissed my arm), and shared dinner. I stayed with him that night too and it was so nice to sleep next to someone again. Just being able to feel his arm next to mine and to hear him breathing was a comfort. We didn't kiss, but I hope that it will come soon. I feel like I've waited long enough.

Oh, and just a quick update...I'm so over my ex...and I very greatly dislike being a girl for all the hormones & emotions that run through me on a regular basis. They effect far too much in my opinion.

Mourning

I just had the horrific realization that I'm still getting over my breakup...that was almost a year ago. It hurts my heart to know that I'm not in his life. The thing is, logically, I know we're both far better off without one another. I miss the relationship though. I miss the closeness...dysfunctional though it was. I miss being hugged and held. And I miss laughing with him. I'm angry that he's moving on and I have no one interested in me. I want to have the relationship God wants for me...but I'm impatient. I want it now. I know that he & I weren't right for one another but I miss being in a romantic relationship.

Ready To Love - Luminate

take this life from me
teach me how to see
life beyond my dreams
the love that sets me free
I give you all that I am
give you all I'll be
just help my heart to believe
believe the words that I speak
cause you're all I need
you're all I...

so take this heart of mine
take it and refine
I see what I have become
and my plans have come undone
I'm down here on my knees
and humbled by your touch
so fill my voids with you
cause there is no greater love
cause you're all I need
you're all I want to be
yes you're all I need
you're all I want to be

all I want to be

you're all I can see

now I'm ready to love
ready to love
ready to finally find what I've been dreaming of
I'm ready to die
ready to lay down all my pride
ready to love
I'm ready to love

because you're all i need
you're all i want to be
yes you're all i need
you're all i want to be

yes you're all i need
you're all i...

TJ

I don't particularly like days like today, when the world seems utterly overwhelming and my heart is heavy with concerns & worries. I want little more than to escape the familiar into a peaceful, calm, and quiet piece of earth where I can simply be. Perhaps I'm being dramatic, I tend towards that from time to time. But I look at my little brother and feel that he is beginning the downward spiral that could easily end in his death by overdose if he doesn't change anything. I hope dearly that he does change, but he seems to want nothing to do with me or our family. I don't know who he listens to, if anyone, and I'd say he thinks Christ has no place in his life... I wish there were more I could do for him, but I realize that this is the time where he must define himself and only he can do anything about that.