New Beginnings & Old Feelings

This week began a new semester of grad school and today I couldn't be less excited about it. Actually, I'm somewhat anxious about what my future in this program holds. I will need to start my two semester practicum placement soon and I don't know what all that will entail. Trust. That is what I keep hearing. Just trust! But if you know me, you know how hard that is for me. So what do I do in the mean time? Well...at the moment, that would be sulk & eat yummy foods. Hopefully tomorrow it will be get up early & spend some quality time with God. Should be interesting to see where things go.

Open

To pour your heart out to someone is difficult. Even if it's just words on a page, you still have to read them. You need to be honest with yourself and a lot of the time, that's hard.

To really know yourself...to know your heart and mind...takes work and time. You face your demons. You stand in the dark and hope that there's light. Or maybe you see light and have to hope that's the end of things.

But I think that ultimately, our lives are spent in this space - this search. I think that we spend our days and nights thinking over things and never really knowing.

To Dream

I finally got around to seeing Inception tonight and it was incredible. I left feeling that my entire life perspective had been altered. I know that feeling...to have a dream within a dream within a dream...to be in that state & realize that you were just dreaming, only to realize that what you think is true and right and real, is still off somehow and then to discover that you're in yet another dream.

It got me thinking though...how much of our lives are spent like this? How much time do we spend living in a dream, not connected with reality? What happens when we lose our grip on that last shred of truth? Does our world go dark? Or do we just begin to repeat our dreams over and over again? How does this alter my view on mental health patients? What it is they deal with on a daily basis in the strong hold of their delusions and hallucinations?

And what implications does this have for the Christian life? What if our time here on earth is but a moment dreamed? And when we die here, we wake up to the truth, to the reality that is Christ? How would that change the way we live our lives here in this dream that we call life on earth? How does that play into the shared dreams we have with others?

Our lives are not impacted only be ourselves but by those we come in contact with...whether that be someone you glance at as you drive down the road or your dearest friend & spouse. How do their dreams affect ours and vice versa? Well I haven't the slightest.

But it certainly gives me something to think on.

waiting...

takes its time
takes your thoughts

slows you down
speeds you up

brings much to light
leaves all in darkness

to be vulnerable is to be open to hurt
be open to risk, to chance

so will you wait awhile with me?

To write again:

My heart's on fire
And I can't seem to breathe

You sleep in my dreams
And I hope I'm in yours

Don't take your time
Don't wait too long

I need you here
I need you home

I miss the days I spend in your arms
I miss your smile and the way you laugh

I can't seem to find my mind
As it swirls around in the light of you

About to explode my heart pumps harder
My body in knots as I wait for your response

Will you say yes or will you say no
When will you come home to my heart

Ok, Seriously, WHAT THE F***?!?!?!

I think yoga class last night was the only relief I've gotten from my own mind since last Thursday. I spent a good bit of last weekend with C whom I've known and liked for several years. And I know that he likes me...right now...but we live three hours apart & he's not a Christian. There's something to think on, to lose sleep over, to dream about.

Then yesterday... I've liked this guy at work for a while. We went on a few dates then he stopped talking to me & started officially dating someone else. We're talking and I discover that he still likes me...a lot. Oh my! Yes, please, let me have something else to think on, to lose sleep over, and to dream about.

So who do I talk to about this minor dilemma??? Not my girlfriends, many of them just discourage me from what I am feeling and thinking. Not my guy friends because the ones I would talk to about this are the same ones who like me. So I talk to you. I sen my thoughts & feelings out over invisible connections from my screen to yours. And I pray that God will give me strong guidance and self-discipline.

I pray that God would open the hearts and minds of these guys in my life.

I pray.

What The...C******?

I spent my weekend with one of my best friends. We met the first week of college, over seven years ago, and have been friends ever since. One night that first week we were hanging out and he asked if he could kiss me. I said no. And now I'm wondering if perhaps I'll get the chance to say yes.

We went out on a date...by default...but it was amazing. We took pictures of the city skyline, went to the tail end of a friend's concert, laid out under the stars (where he kissed my arm), and shared dinner. I stayed with him that night too and it was so nice to sleep next to someone again. Just being able to feel his arm next to mine and to hear him breathing was a comfort. We didn't kiss, but I hope that it will come soon. I feel like I've waited long enough.

Oh, and just a quick update...I'm so over my ex...and I very greatly dislike being a girl for all the hormones & emotions that run through me on a regular basis. They effect far too much in my opinion.