Why is it that around Christmas time I want to spend less time that normal with my blood family? I'd far rather spend that time with those I consider my chosen family.
So to all of you, I say thank you and I wish you a wonderful time with those who are blood.
May the Lord bless you this season as we remember and celebrate His Son's human birth and the ultimate sacrifice He would make, the reason He was born to this earth to begin with...and may He help me love on my blood family instead of steer clear of them.
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Thursday, December 9, 2010
A Call
Hello friends~
I want to share with you a few things that have been on my heart lately. As you know, about a year and a half ago, I started a program at Lipscomb for Professional Counseling. It has been quite a ride and I've barely just reached the half way point! It has challenged me, opened me, taught me, made me face my own prejudices and judgments, and it has healed me. But by far, I am most grateful for the friends I have made.
One of them, Quincee, has an incredible story! She is an inspiration to me and I am continually blessed by her. One of the first things you realize about Quincee is what a huge heart she has...and that Africa has a huge part of that heart. I've enjoyed hearing her stories & being a part of her life. In the past I've been involved with organizations such as World Vision, WKU's Taking the Initiative under World Vision's ACT:S Program, and Invisible Children...always in working to help orphans. I now have the opportunity to be a part of what God is doing in her life. She is working with an organization called eXile International & has just started a non-profit.
I was contemplating joining her on her trip to Congo this Christmas, but didn't feel like I had a definitive answer from the Lord on whether or not to go. I love to travel. And I like to help people. But I realize how huge the work that Quincee is doing will be and if I'm going to be a part of this, I want to know that it's not just because I want to go. I want to know that the LORD has called me to be a part of His work in this manner. I don't ask this lightly, but if you feel led, please pray with me as I ask Him for direction and discretion. Quincee has spoken with me about how she sees me being involved and I have the opportunity to go with her on her second trip to Congo this coming May. In the next few months I will need an answer. And if that is to go, I will need a lot more to prep for travel.
I have included the email Quincee sent out a few days ago about her non-profit for your information. May the Lord be glorified in your lives!
In Him...
In less than 17 days, I'll be boarding a plane with bags packed and heart awaiting to see my sweet African muffins again! Most of you know that the continent of Africa stole my affections in 2006 when I worked in an AIDS orphans camp in Lusaka, Zambia. My eyes have been opened to an entire continent suffering from impoverishment, rampant disease and warfare. Each time I spent time in Africa, the same thoughts reverberated in my head: How can I even attempt to walk a child, who has suffered so immensely, through healing? I felt I had no training and no skills.
Many things have changed since my initial time in Zambia in 2006. With some graduate training under my belt and the support of such sweet souls across America, I have started a nonprofit organization, The Nameless Project, specifically aimed at the psychological healing of traumatized child soldiers and war-affected children in Congo, Uganda, Rwanda, Burundi and Sudan. These children walk around without any record of their existence, only to be captured by the Lord's Resistance Army (or any other of the 6 militant rebel groups roaming the mountains of Congo) where all semblance of an identity is stolen. The stories of these children are chilling, heartbreaking and heroic. After years of hiding behind AK-47's and being acculturated into the diluted thinking of Joseph Kony and other rebel leaders, these children escape and begin their search for some community to offer refuge. These kids aren't nameless, their stories just go unnamed.
We find these children broken, lonely, sick and seriously traumatized....and I get to spend Christmas with 120 of them in Congo! Each of these former sex slaves has been rescued from the bush after escaping the LRA and the brutal hands of their rebel war leader "husbands." I get to sit across the table from them and walk them through art and expressive therapy. I get to hold their hands while they are dancing by campfires. I get the privilege of singing with them when their tears are too much to handle.
I am so stinking lucky! My hope is that each of you will continue to remember these girls when you are sitting around your Christmas trees, holding candles in midnight Christmas Eve services and opening up gifts from loved ones. I will be blogging while I am over there (although consistency with internet access is bound to be an issue...we're talking about Africa) and I invite you to read along, look at the pictures and watch the change that happens over time. You can follow the blog at namesfornameless.blogspot.com!
One last thing: several people have asked how they can be a part of this journey. There is an immense need with these girls (most of whom are currently pregnant or suffering diseases because of their sex trafficking). I will be taking donated funds to Congo in order to buy supplies while I'm there (because it's less expensive and easier to acquire), but you can't always find everything you need in a third world country. So...I have included a list of things you can donate:
.toothbrushes.
.tooth paste.
.children's books.
.underwear (for girls ranging between ages 3-18).
.art supplies: paint, brushes, construction paper, colored pencils, pencils, crayons, markers, notebook paper, etc.
.soap.
All donations can be mailed to:
The Nameless Project
c/o Quincee
1350 Rosa L Parks Blvd #419
Nashville, TN 37208
I can't wait to share this journey with you!
His,
q
Quincee
Founder
The Nameless Project
1350 Rosa L Parks Blvd #419
Nashville, TN 37208
quincee@thenamelessproject.org
New website launching in January'11: www.thenamelessproject.org
I want to share with you a few things that have been on my heart lately. As you know, about a year and a half ago, I started a program at Lipscomb for Professional Counseling. It has been quite a ride and I've barely just reached the half way point! It has challenged me, opened me, taught me, made me face my own prejudices and judgments, and it has healed me. But by far, I am most grateful for the friends I have made.
One of them, Quincee, has an incredible story! She is an inspiration to me and I am continually blessed by her. One of the first things you realize about Quincee is what a huge heart she has...and that Africa has a huge part of that heart. I've enjoyed hearing her stories & being a part of her life. In the past I've been involved with organizations such as World Vision, WKU's Taking the Initiative under World Vision's ACT:S Program, and Invisible Children...always in working to help orphans. I now have the opportunity to be a part of what God is doing in her life. She is working with an organization called eXile International & has just started a non-profit.
I was contemplating joining her on her trip to Congo this Christmas, but didn't feel like I had a definitive answer from the Lord on whether or not to go. I love to travel. And I like to help people. But I realize how huge the work that Quincee is doing will be and if I'm going to be a part of this, I want to know that it's not just because I want to go. I want to know that the LORD has called me to be a part of His work in this manner. I don't ask this lightly, but if you feel led, please pray with me as I ask Him for direction and discretion. Quincee has spoken with me about how she sees me being involved and I have the opportunity to go with her on her second trip to Congo this coming May. In the next few months I will need an answer. And if that is to go, I will need a lot more to prep for travel.
I have included the email Quincee sent out a few days ago about her non-profit for your information. May the Lord be glorified in your lives!
In Him...
In less than 17 days, I'll be boarding a plane with bags packed and heart awaiting to see my sweet African muffins again! Most of you know that the continent of Africa stole my affections in 2006 when I worked in an AIDS orphans camp in Lusaka, Zambia. My eyes have been opened to an entire continent suffering from impoverishment, rampant disease and warfare. Each time I spent time in Africa, the same thoughts reverberated in my head: How can I even attempt to walk a child, who has suffered so immensely, through healing? I felt I had no training and no skills.
Many things have changed since my initial time in Zambia in 2006. With some graduate training under my belt and the support of such sweet souls across America, I have started a nonprofit organization, The Nameless Project, specifically aimed at the psychological healing of traumatized child soldiers and war-affected children in Congo, Uganda, Rwanda, Burundi and Sudan. These children walk around without any record of their existence, only to be captured by the Lord's Resistance Army (or any other of the 6 militant rebel groups roaming the mountains of Congo) where all semblance of an identity is stolen. The stories of these children are chilling, heartbreaking and heroic. After years of hiding behind AK-47's and being acculturated into the diluted thinking of Joseph Kony and other rebel leaders, these children escape and begin their search for some community to offer refuge. These kids aren't nameless, their stories just go unnamed.
We find these children broken, lonely, sick and seriously traumatized....and I get to spend Christmas with 120 of them in Congo! Each of these former sex slaves has been rescued from the bush after escaping the LRA and the brutal hands of their rebel war leader "husbands." I get to sit across the table from them and walk them through art and expressive therapy. I get to hold their hands while they are dancing by campfires. I get the privilege of singing with them when their tears are too much to handle.
I am so stinking lucky! My hope is that each of you will continue to remember these girls when you are sitting around your Christmas trees, holding candles in midnight Christmas Eve services and opening up gifts from loved ones. I will be blogging while I am over there (although consistency with internet access is bound to be an issue...we're talking about Africa) and I invite you to read along, look at the pictures and watch the change that happens over time. You can follow the blog at namesfornameless.blogspot.com!
One last thing: several people have asked how they can be a part of this journey. There is an immense need with these girls (most of whom are currently pregnant or suffering diseases because of their sex trafficking). I will be taking donated funds to Congo in order to buy supplies while I'm there (because it's less expensive and easier to acquire), but you can't always find everything you need in a third world country. So...I have included a list of things you can donate:
.toothbrushes.
.tooth paste.
.children's books.
.underwear (for girls ranging between ages 3-18).
.art supplies: paint, brushes, construction paper, colored pencils, pencils, crayons, markers, notebook paper, etc.
.soap.
All donations can be mailed to:
The Nameless Project
c/o Quincee
1350 Rosa L Parks Blvd #419
Nashville, TN 37208
I can't wait to share this journey with you!
His,
q
Quincee
Founder
The Nameless Project
1350 Rosa L Parks Blvd #419
Nashville, TN 37208
quincee@thenamelessproject.org
New website launching in January'11: www.thenamelessproject.org
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Sharing
I know it's been a while since I last wrote anything and I'm sorry if you've been missing that. School started back & new friends have come into my life. I feel that God is working on me constantly and for that I am grateful.
My work load is heavy but manageable (and will be even more so once I'm caught back up). Today I want to share with you one of the reaction papers that we're required to write for our Human Sexuality class. It's an interesting class because the textbooks aren't what I expected -- they're Principles and Practice of Sex Therapy and Healing the Wounds of Sexual Addiction.
This is in reaction to the fourth chapter of Healing the Wounds of Sexual Addiction:
Marriage…we see it laid out for us in the Bible, in Song of Solomon, in the relationship between Adam & Eve in the Garden of Eden. It is a relationship that is meant to be the most fulfilling and intimate one we will ever have with another human. Sex is to be something that brings you closer to your loved one, to develop a deeper connection and foster an increasingly more loving way of communication both in and outside the bedroom.
To think of sexual addictions played out in marriages… It is incredibly difficult for me. Sex addictions are so diverse. They can manifest in such a variety of ways. So the way a spouse deals with this can be just as varied. And that presents such a magnitude of weight in my mind. How do you know what’s best? How can you offer help to someone when the manifestation of their sex addiction is so unique to them. How do you offer help to their spouse?
Laaser says on page 64 “[…] if you live around a sex addict, you may sense a “feeling” of sexual energy. Even though you may not be aware of the sexual practices taking place, you have an intuitive sense that something is wrong.” I knew something was wrong. I could feel the tension in the air, hanging heavy around me, coating everything it touched like the drug residue that coats the inside of a meth house. My mother knew something was wrong. She blames herself for not pushing harder than she did for my father to come clean. But would it have made any difference? Even to this day, I don’t think he admits that he’s a sex addict. You cannot begin to hope to change without first realizing and admitting truth.
Even by knowing what to look for…even if you get good at recognizing the signs of a sex addict, what does that change in the grand scheme of things? We can hope for something better for that person, but without their willingness to be vulnerable and honest, their life will continue to be nothing more than a repeating downward spiral of darkness.
My work load is heavy but manageable (and will be even more so once I'm caught back up). Today I want to share with you one of the reaction papers that we're required to write for our Human Sexuality class. It's an interesting class because the textbooks aren't what I expected -- they're Principles and Practice of Sex Therapy and Healing the Wounds of Sexual Addiction.
This is in reaction to the fourth chapter of Healing the Wounds of Sexual Addiction:
Marriage…we see it laid out for us in the Bible, in Song of Solomon, in the relationship between Adam & Eve in the Garden of Eden. It is a relationship that is meant to be the most fulfilling and intimate one we will ever have with another human. Sex is to be something that brings you closer to your loved one, to develop a deeper connection and foster an increasingly more loving way of communication both in and outside the bedroom.
To think of sexual addictions played out in marriages… It is incredibly difficult for me. Sex addictions are so diverse. They can manifest in such a variety of ways. So the way a spouse deals with this can be just as varied. And that presents such a magnitude of weight in my mind. How do you know what’s best? How can you offer help to someone when the manifestation of their sex addiction is so unique to them. How do you offer help to their spouse?
Laaser says on page 64 “[…] if you live around a sex addict, you may sense a “feeling” of sexual energy. Even though you may not be aware of the sexual practices taking place, you have an intuitive sense that something is wrong.” I knew something was wrong. I could feel the tension in the air, hanging heavy around me, coating everything it touched like the drug residue that coats the inside of a meth house. My mother knew something was wrong. She blames herself for not pushing harder than she did for my father to come clean. But would it have made any difference? Even to this day, I don’t think he admits that he’s a sex addict. You cannot begin to hope to change without first realizing and admitting truth.
Even by knowing what to look for…even if you get good at recognizing the signs of a sex addict, what does that change in the grand scheme of things? We can hope for something better for that person, but without their willingness to be vulnerable and honest, their life will continue to be nothing more than a repeating downward spiral of darkness.
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
New Beginnings & Old Feelings
This week began a new semester of grad school and today I couldn't be less excited about it. Actually, I'm somewhat anxious about what my future in this program holds. I will need to start my two semester practicum placement soon and I don't know what all that will entail. Trust. That is what I keep hearing. Just trust! But if you know me, you know how hard that is for me. So what do I do in the mean time? Well...at the moment, that would be sulk & eat yummy foods. Hopefully tomorrow it will be get up early & spend some quality time with God. Should be interesting to see where things go.
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Open
To pour your heart out to someone is difficult. Even if it's just words on a page, you still have to read them. You need to be honest with yourself and a lot of the time, that's hard.
To really know yourself...to know your heart and mind...takes work and time. You face your demons. You stand in the dark and hope that there's light. Or maybe you see light and have to hope that's the end of things.
But I think that ultimately, our lives are spent in this space - this search. I think that we spend our days and nights thinking over things and never really knowing.
To really know yourself...to know your heart and mind...takes work and time. You face your demons. You stand in the dark and hope that there's light. Or maybe you see light and have to hope that's the end of things.
But I think that ultimately, our lives are spent in this space - this search. I think that we spend our days and nights thinking over things and never really knowing.
Monday, August 9, 2010
To Dream
I finally got around to seeing Inception tonight and it was incredible. I left feeling that my entire life perspective had been altered. I know that feeling...to have a dream within a dream within a dream...to be in that state & realize that you were just dreaming, only to realize that what you think is true and right and real, is still off somehow and then to discover that you're in yet another dream.
It got me thinking though...how much of our lives are spent like this? How much time do we spend living in a dream, not connected with reality? What happens when we lose our grip on that last shred of truth? Does our world go dark? Or do we just begin to repeat our dreams over and over again? How does this alter my view on mental health patients? What it is they deal with on a daily basis in the strong hold of their delusions and hallucinations?
And what implications does this have for the Christian life? What if our time here on earth is but a moment dreamed? And when we die here, we wake up to the truth, to the reality that is Christ? How would that change the way we live our lives here in this dream that we call life on earth? How does that play into the shared dreams we have with others?
Our lives are not impacted only be ourselves but by those we come in contact with...whether that be someone you glance at as you drive down the road or your dearest friend & spouse. How do their dreams affect ours and vice versa? Well I haven't the slightest.
But it certainly gives me something to think on.
It got me thinking though...how much of our lives are spent like this? How much time do we spend living in a dream, not connected with reality? What happens when we lose our grip on that last shred of truth? Does our world go dark? Or do we just begin to repeat our dreams over and over again? How does this alter my view on mental health patients? What it is they deal with on a daily basis in the strong hold of their delusions and hallucinations?
And what implications does this have for the Christian life? What if our time here on earth is but a moment dreamed? And when we die here, we wake up to the truth, to the reality that is Christ? How would that change the way we live our lives here in this dream that we call life on earth? How does that play into the shared dreams we have with others?
Our lives are not impacted only be ourselves but by those we come in contact with...whether that be someone you glance at as you drive down the road or your dearest friend & spouse. How do their dreams affect ours and vice versa? Well I haven't the slightest.
But it certainly gives me something to think on.
Monday, August 2, 2010
waiting...
takes its time
takes your thoughts
slows you down
speeds you up
brings much to light
leaves all in darkness
to be vulnerable is to be open to hurt
be open to risk, to chance
so will you wait awhile with me?
takes your thoughts
slows you down
speeds you up
brings much to light
leaves all in darkness
to be vulnerable is to be open to hurt
be open to risk, to chance
so will you wait awhile with me?
Sunday, August 1, 2010
To write again:
My heart's on fire
And I can't seem to breathe
You sleep in my dreams
And I hope I'm in yours
Don't take your time
Don't wait too long
I need you here
I need you home
I miss the days I spend in your arms
I miss your smile and the way you laugh
I can't seem to find my mind
As it swirls around in the light of you
About to explode my heart pumps harder
My body in knots as I wait for your response
Will you say yes or will you say no
When will you come home to my heart
And I can't seem to breathe
You sleep in my dreams
And I hope I'm in yours
Don't take your time
Don't wait too long
I need you here
I need you home
I miss the days I spend in your arms
I miss your smile and the way you laugh
I can't seem to find my mind
As it swirls around in the light of you
About to explode my heart pumps harder
My body in knots as I wait for your response
Will you say yes or will you say no
When will you come home to my heart
Friday, July 30, 2010
Ok, Seriously, WHAT THE F***?!?!?!
I think yoga class last night was the only relief I've gotten from my own mind since last Thursday. I spent a good bit of last weekend with C whom I've known and liked for several years. And I know that he likes me...right now...but we live three hours apart & he's not a Christian. There's something to think on, to lose sleep over, to dream about.
Then yesterday... I've liked this guy at work for a while. We went on a few dates then he stopped talking to me & started officially dating someone else. We're talking and I discover that he still likes me...a lot. Oh my! Yes, please, let me have something else to think on, to lose sleep over, and to dream about.
So who do I talk to about this minor dilemma??? Not my girlfriends, many of them just discourage me from what I am feeling and thinking. Not my guy friends because the ones I would talk to about this are the same ones who like me. So I talk to you. I sen my thoughts & feelings out over invisible connections from my screen to yours. And I pray that God will give me strong guidance and self-discipline.
I pray that God would open the hearts and minds of these guys in my life.
I pray.
Then yesterday... I've liked this guy at work for a while. We went on a few dates then he stopped talking to me & started officially dating someone else. We're talking and I discover that he still likes me...a lot. Oh my! Yes, please, let me have something else to think on, to lose sleep over, and to dream about.
So who do I talk to about this minor dilemma??? Not my girlfriends, many of them just discourage me from what I am feeling and thinking. Not my guy friends because the ones I would talk to about this are the same ones who like me. So I talk to you. I sen my thoughts & feelings out over invisible connections from my screen to yours. And I pray that God will give me strong guidance and self-discipline.
I pray that God would open the hearts and minds of these guys in my life.
I pray.
Thursday, July 29, 2010
What The...C******?
I spent my weekend with one of my best friends. We met the first week of college, over seven years ago, and have been friends ever since. One night that first week we were hanging out and he asked if he could kiss me. I said no. And now I'm wondering if perhaps I'll get the chance to say yes.
We went out on a date...by default...but it was amazing. We took pictures of the city skyline, went to the tail end of a friend's concert, laid out under the stars (where he kissed my arm), and shared dinner. I stayed with him that night too and it was so nice to sleep next to someone again. Just being able to feel his arm next to mine and to hear him breathing was a comfort. We didn't kiss, but I hope that it will come soon. I feel like I've waited long enough.
Oh, and just a quick update...I'm so over my ex...and I very greatly dislike being a girl for all the hormones & emotions that run through me on a regular basis. They effect far too much in my opinion.
We went out on a date...by default...but it was amazing. We took pictures of the city skyline, went to the tail end of a friend's concert, laid out under the stars (where he kissed my arm), and shared dinner. I stayed with him that night too and it was so nice to sleep next to someone again. Just being able to feel his arm next to mine and to hear him breathing was a comfort. We didn't kiss, but I hope that it will come soon. I feel like I've waited long enough.
Oh, and just a quick update...I'm so over my ex...and I very greatly dislike being a girl for all the hormones & emotions that run through me on a regular basis. They effect far too much in my opinion.
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Mourning
I just had the horrific realization that I'm still getting over my breakup...that was almost a year ago. It hurts my heart to know that I'm not in his life. The thing is, logically, I know we're both far better off without one another. I miss the relationship though. I miss the closeness...dysfunctional though it was. I miss being hugged and held. And I miss laughing with him. I'm angry that he's moving on and I have no one interested in me. I want to have the relationship God wants for me...but I'm impatient. I want it now. I know that he & I weren't right for one another but I miss being in a romantic relationship.
Monday, July 19, 2010
Ready To Love - Luminate
take this life from me
teach me how to see
life beyond my dreams
the love that sets me free
I give you all that I am
give you all I'll be
just help my heart to believe
believe the words that I speak
cause you're all I need
you're all I...
so take this heart of mine
take it and refine
I see what I have become
and my plans have come undone
I'm down here on my knees
and humbled by your touch
so fill my voids with you
cause there is no greater love
cause you're all I need
you're all I want to be
yes you're all I need
you're all I want to be
all I want to be
you're all I can see
now I'm ready to love
ready to love
ready to finally find what I've been dreaming of
I'm ready to die
ready to lay down all my pride
ready to love
I'm ready to love
because you're all i need
you're all i want to be
yes you're all i need
you're all i want to be
yes you're all i need
you're all i...
teach me how to see
life beyond my dreams
the love that sets me free
I give you all that I am
give you all I'll be
just help my heart to believe
believe the words that I speak
cause you're all I need
you're all I...
so take this heart of mine
take it and refine
I see what I have become
and my plans have come undone
I'm down here on my knees
and humbled by your touch
so fill my voids with you
cause there is no greater love
cause you're all I need
you're all I want to be
yes you're all I need
you're all I want to be
all I want to be
you're all I can see
now I'm ready to love
ready to love
ready to finally find what I've been dreaming of
I'm ready to die
ready to lay down all my pride
ready to love
I'm ready to love
because you're all i need
you're all i want to be
yes you're all i need
you're all i want to be
yes you're all i need
you're all i...
Thursday, July 8, 2010
TJ
I don't particularly like days like today, when the world seems utterly overwhelming and my heart is heavy with concerns & worries. I want little more than to escape the familiar into a peaceful, calm, and quiet piece of earth where I can simply be. Perhaps I'm being dramatic, I tend towards that from time to time. But I look at my little brother and feel that he is beginning the downward spiral that could easily end in his death by overdose if he doesn't change anything. I hope dearly that he does change, but he seems to want nothing to do with me or our family. I don't know who he listens to, if anyone, and I'd say he thinks Christ has no place in his life... I wish there were more I could do for him, but I realize that this is the time where he must define himself and only he can do anything about that.
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Tapestries
A friend of mine wrote today in her blog:
How right she is!
Recently I've been feeling down about where my life is going and what role I play in God's ultimate plans in His Kingdom. Where does He want to use me? Where is He using me now? I don't feel like I'm doing Him much good. But in reading this today, I was reminded that oftentimes God will use us in ways that we do not comprehend or perhaps even realize that we are being used...
He does know what He is doing though and it is all connected. He is building this tapestry, woven together in ways that we cannot see at the moment because we are only one strand of thread. But with time we are able to look back and begin to see the wonderful work He has created using us all together. One body under one head, who is Christ.
God really does know what He is doing, and it is indeed a tapestry. We are all woven into the fabric, and as a result are bound together in ways that ultimately reveal themselves over time.
How right she is!
Recently I've been feeling down about where my life is going and what role I play in God's ultimate plans in His Kingdom. Where does He want to use me? Where is He using me now? I don't feel like I'm doing Him much good. But in reading this today, I was reminded that oftentimes God will use us in ways that we do not comprehend or perhaps even realize that we are being used...
He does know what He is doing though and it is all connected. He is building this tapestry, woven together in ways that we cannot see at the moment because we are only one strand of thread. But with time we are able to look back and begin to see the wonderful work He has created using us all together. One body under one head, who is Christ.
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Family and Love
I love my family. They are an incredible group of people who are very interesting, each in his or her unique way. This week I've been in Wyoming with some of them. We started in Yellowstone and arrived in Jackson Hole about an hour and a half ago. The thing is, while I love them dearly, they're beginning to wear on me...in a big way.
Now I know I'm not alone in this. I met one of my friends on his way home for a holiday and he was telling me how three days with them was more than enough for a while. At the time I wondered, 'Hmm...how would I handle that?' Now I understand. After four full days of close family interaction...over 13 hours of travel Saturday, confined in a car in Yellowstone off and on from Sunday to today...yes, I understand.
And I think we're all feeling a little like this. We're ready for some time apart and a little more freedom. We've had to make plans as a group for the last three days. We only had two cars for eight of us and come on, let's face it, it's Yellowstone. You want to be out and seeing the park! But we were a little limited in where and when we could go places... Here's to hoping Jackson will provide us with that freedom from one another and time apart for a bit so we can recharge for more time with each other on this trip.
On another note, I've been reading a book called He Loves Me by Wayne Jacobsen. A friend recommended it to me. It's all about learning to live in the Father's love for me. God has been moving me as I read this book. Some parts I fly through and am deeply touched by while others I struggle to read the next line as it shakes me to the core so much with its truth. God is incredible. He wants so much to have a real relationship with us and we so often push Him away. I could probably speculate for the rest of the night as to why this is, but I'll leave you to your own musings. Anyway...I think I'm three chapters in and I would recommend this to anyone! I love this book already and I feel like it will be something I turn back to time and time again. So thank you Lord, for leading me to MusicR so that he could introduce me to Wayne and his book, which just turned me back to you again. I love you.
Now I know I'm not alone in this. I met one of my friends on his way home for a holiday and he was telling me how three days with them was more than enough for a while. At the time I wondered, 'Hmm...how would I handle that?' Now I understand. After four full days of close family interaction...over 13 hours of travel Saturday, confined in a car in Yellowstone off and on from Sunday to today...yes, I understand.
And I think we're all feeling a little like this. We're ready for some time apart and a little more freedom. We've had to make plans as a group for the last three days. We only had two cars for eight of us and come on, let's face it, it's Yellowstone. You want to be out and seeing the park! But we were a little limited in where and when we could go places... Here's to hoping Jackson will provide us with that freedom from one another and time apart for a bit so we can recharge for more time with each other on this trip.
On another note, I've been reading a book called He Loves Me by Wayne Jacobsen. A friend recommended it to me. It's all about learning to live in the Father's love for me. God has been moving me as I read this book. Some parts I fly through and am deeply touched by while others I struggle to read the next line as it shakes me to the core so much with its truth. God is incredible. He wants so much to have a real relationship with us and we so often push Him away. I could probably speculate for the rest of the night as to why this is, but I'll leave you to your own musings. Anyway...I think I'm three chapters in and I would recommend this to anyone! I love this book already and I feel like it will be something I turn back to time and time again. So thank you Lord, for leading me to MusicR so that he could introduce me to Wayne and his book, which just turned me back to you again. I love you.
Friday, June 4, 2010
A Prayer
I'm tired of waiting and these feelings of dissatisfaction. Why is my heart not thrilled to be loved by You O Lord? Renew in me a passion for You, for the things of Your heart.
In Colossians Paul and Timothy say:
Casting Crowns has a song out now called Somewhere In The Middle and one of the lines says, "Just how close can I get Lord, to my surrender, without losing control?" I believe this is perhaps one of my biggest faults and worries and obstacles. I want the control. I don't want to give that up because I fear being lost. The irony is, I already feel lost and I do have the control. Lord, I want to get to a place where I have no doubt in You. Right now, I feel like that's not where I am, not completely. I still act in ways that say I don't fully trust in You - what You say, what You'll do - and I don't like that about myself.
In Colossians Paul and Timothy say:
"For this reason, since the day we heard about you, we have not stopped praying for you and asking God to fill you with the knowledge of his will through all spiritual wisdom and understanding. And we pray this in order that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and may please him in every way: bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God, being strengthened with all power according to his glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience, and joyfully giving thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of the saints in the kingdom of light. For he has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the Son he loves, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins."Lord, may this be true for me.
Casting Crowns has a song out now called Somewhere In The Middle and one of the lines says, "Just how close can I get Lord, to my surrender, without losing control?" I believe this is perhaps one of my biggest faults and worries and obstacles. I want the control. I don't want to give that up because I fear being lost. The irony is, I already feel lost and I do have the control. Lord, I want to get to a place where I have no doubt in You. Right now, I feel like that's not where I am, not completely. I still act in ways that say I don't fully trust in You - what You say, what You'll do - and I don't like that about myself.
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
The Condition of the Heart
“Chim picked up his camera the way a doctor takes his stethoscope out of his bag, applying his diagnosis to the condition of the heart. His own was vulnerable.”
~ Henri Cartier-Bresson (French Photographer, 1908-2004)
___________________________________________________
All of my problems lay in my hands
I feel the pressure creeping in
All of these demons dance in my head
And I want to feel you now
Clouded and wounded my head strikes my heart
I need the gift, the gift of love
So Savior come save me, my heart's on fire
I want to feel you now
Because I want to see, I want to love
Want to find what I've been dreaming of
So I'll stay, I'll stay with you
Where I've nothing left to prove
Teacher come teach me, I don't know a thing
My head is twisted up in knots
Savior come save me, my heart's on fire
And I want to feel you now
Because I want to see, I want to love
I've got to find what I've been dreaming of
So I'll stay, I'll stay with you
Where I've nothing left to lose
No matter where we go
There's nowhere that we can hide
Cause I know that you're the one that'll be there
And no matter where we go
There's nowhere that we can hide
I know that you're the one that'll be there
Wanted to see
Want to love
Now I've found what I've been dreaming of
So I'll stay, I'll stay with you, where I am real
Now I am yours tonight
And you are mine tonight
Yes we are one tonight
Yes we are one
Cause I am yours
You are mine
Tonight
Cause we are one tonight
Now I am yours
Heart on Fire ~ Luminate
~ Henri Cartier-Bresson (French Photographer, 1908-2004)
___________________________________________________
All of my problems lay in my hands
I feel the pressure creeping in
All of these demons dance in my head
And I want to feel you now
Clouded and wounded my head strikes my heart
I need the gift, the gift of love
So Savior come save me, my heart's on fire
I want to feel you now
Because I want to see, I want to love
Want to find what I've been dreaming of
So I'll stay, I'll stay with you
Where I've nothing left to prove
Teacher come teach me, I don't know a thing
My head is twisted up in knots
Savior come save me, my heart's on fire
And I want to feel you now
Because I want to see, I want to love
I've got to find what I've been dreaming of
So I'll stay, I'll stay with you
Where I've nothing left to lose
No matter where we go
There's nowhere that we can hide
Cause I know that you're the one that'll be there
And no matter where we go
There's nowhere that we can hide
I know that you're the one that'll be there
Wanted to see
Want to love
Now I've found what I've been dreaming of
So I'll stay, I'll stay with you, where I am real
Now I am yours tonight
And you are mine tonight
Yes we are one tonight
Yes we are one
Cause I am yours
You are mine
Tonight
Cause we are one tonight
Now I am yours
Heart on Fire ~ Luminate
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Honeysuckle & Lavender
You know the way the night air smells? Have you ever tasted the honeysuckles or been consumed by the calm of lavender after a rain? I love it. And this past week, there's been so much of it surrounding me.
As I drive home at night, windows down, a cool chill in the air, the honeysuckles drift in and settle on my tongue. And then, once I've arrived home, I'm greeted by the relaxing scent of lavender -- that cool calm you breathe in.
So after the days of discontent and feelings of inadequacy and worthlessness, these remind me that I am loved. Me, an imperfect person, loved...by a perfect Savior. He wraps His arms around me in these moments, even in my tears, my screams, my frustrations. I know that He has given me this as just one way to say, "I love you and I will not leave you." For that is my greatest fear, and He knows that well.
As I drive home at night, windows down, a cool chill in the air, the honeysuckles drift in and settle on my tongue. And then, once I've arrived home, I'm greeted by the relaxing scent of lavender -- that cool calm you breathe in.
So after the days of discontent and feelings of inadequacy and worthlessness, these remind me that I am loved. Me, an imperfect person, loved...by a perfect Savior. He wraps His arms around me in these moments, even in my tears, my screams, my frustrations. I know that He has given me this as just one way to say, "I love you and I will not leave you." For that is my greatest fear, and He knows that well.
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Help me
I feel like I'm drowning in a sea of souls, lost in the crowd of faces and hearts, no one notices as I don't stand out. Stumbling through the dark in search of the light God whispers in my soul and speaks in my heart.
Do not be afraid, do not be discouraged for I am the Lord your God. i will go before you and with you wherever you go.
I feel like I'm drowning in a sea of souls, lost in the crowd of faces and hearts, no one notices as I don't stand out. Stumbling through the dark in search of the light God whispers in my soul and speaks in my heart.
Do not be afraid, do not be discouraged for I am the Lord your God. i will go before you and with you wherever you go.
Friday, April 30, 2010
I will go with you to the ends of the earth
To the ends of the earth I will follow you
I will walk with you wherever you go
Lead me and there I will be
I find it strange to think this about someone I know so little about. But there is a peace within me that I have not known before. He said to me, "When the time is right, I will pursue you" and in that moment, my heart was still.
I am reminded of Ruth's dedication to Naomi and I feel similarly toward this man. "Where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay. Your people will be my people and your God my God. Where you die I will die, and there I will be buried. May the LORD deal with me, be it ever so severely, if anything but death separates you and me." Ruth 1:16 & 17, NIV. I feel that the Lord is leading me to follow. And though it sounds strange as I read it, I feel that there is a strong truth to this. I will be his wife and we each will walk in the path of the Lord. For I feel that the Lord is calling us to the same place.
Father, let my heart not be deceived but choose rather, when the time is right, for it to be given to my husband. Until that time, keep it wrapped firmly in Your embrace. May my heart be his heart and may our hearts be Yours.
I realize how drastic this sounds. And perhaps it's not the man I have in mind, but only God knows that...
God Gave Me You
~Dave Barnes
To the ends of the earth I will follow you
I will walk with you wherever you go
Lead me and there I will be
I find it strange to think this about someone I know so little about. But there is a peace within me that I have not known before. He said to me, "When the time is right, I will pursue you" and in that moment, my heart was still.
I am reminded of Ruth's dedication to Naomi and I feel similarly toward this man. "Where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay. Your people will be my people and your God my God. Where you die I will die, and there I will be buried. May the LORD deal with me, be it ever so severely, if anything but death separates you and me." Ruth 1:16 & 17, NIV. I feel that the Lord is leading me to follow. And though it sounds strange as I read it, I feel that there is a strong truth to this. I will be his wife and we each will walk in the path of the Lord. For I feel that the Lord is calling us to the same place.
Father, let my heart not be deceived but choose rather, when the time is right, for it to be given to my husband. Until that time, keep it wrapped firmly in Your embrace. May my heart be his heart and may our hearts be Yours.
I realize how drastic this sounds. And perhaps it's not the man I have in mind, but only God knows that...
God Gave Me You
~Dave Barnes
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Heart Opened Wide
I've been spending a lot of time lately reading through Christian blogs and following various links that lead me to helping organizations. A lot of this started with a post from a friend of mine who highlighted another woman's blog. Her name is Lane Ann Miller and she was diagnosed in 2007 with Stage 4 Colon Cancer. This blog has been her speaking to us about both her struggle and her connection to the Lord throughout this journey. The initial post my friend put up led me here. Reading this left me wanting more and I have since started back from the beginning. This family has an incredible story and a truly God founded and funded ministry, Disciple the Nations. I will warn you that this reading is not for the faint of heart. I have been brought to tears numerous times already.
Another thing I've been doing a lot of is listening to music that touches my soul. Lots of it. And it's all praise and worship...while it started as a search for one particular song, I've come to find several more from that one. I now have a playlist that I love and am adding to often. You can find it here: Center on Christ. If you check it out you'll see that I've got a lot of Hillsong United stuff on there. One of their album covers got me curious. It just has the letter I next to a giant heart. When I started doing a little research, I came across I-HEART. And while I can't recall exactly what got me looking here, I found some amazing links to agencies and movements to stop human trafficking.
After visiting freetobekids and A21 I started wondering, what do we have here in Nashville to help these victims and found this: Nashville Rescue and Restore. The sit is still under construction because it's still a relatively new initiative in the Nashville area, but they've already hooked up with some awesome local organizations, a few of which I'm considering applying to so that I can do my practicum with them. My prayer is that God would use me in a radical way. I don't know where He's taking me, but I know He's got an amazing plan.
Lord, keep me from getting in Your way and help me keep my heart opened wide.
Check out this amazing story from NightLight, an organization committed to addressing the complex issues surrounding trafficking and prostitution by catalyzing individual and community transformation. Its mission is to build relationships and provide hope, intervention, rescue and assistance to women and children exploited in the sex industry by offering alternative employment, vocational opportunities, life-skills training and physical, emotional and spiritual development to women seeking freedom. You can visit them at NightLightInternational.
Another thing I've been doing a lot of is listening to music that touches my soul. Lots of it. And it's all praise and worship...while it started as a search for one particular song, I've come to find several more from that one. I now have a playlist that I love and am adding to often. You can find it here: Center on Christ. If you check it out you'll see that I've got a lot of Hillsong United stuff on there. One of their album covers got me curious. It just has the letter I next to a giant heart. When I started doing a little research, I came across I-HEART. And while I can't recall exactly what got me looking here, I found some amazing links to agencies and movements to stop human trafficking.
After visiting freetobekids and A21 I started wondering, what do we have here in Nashville to help these victims and found this: Nashville Rescue and Restore. The sit is still under construction because it's still a relatively new initiative in the Nashville area, but they've already hooked up with some awesome local organizations, a few of which I'm considering applying to so that I can do my practicum with them. My prayer is that God would use me in a radical way. I don't know where He's taking me, but I know He's got an amazing plan.
Lord, keep me from getting in Your way and help me keep my heart opened wide.
Check out this amazing story from NightLight, an organization committed to addressing the complex issues surrounding trafficking and prostitution by catalyzing individual and community transformation. Its mission is to build relationships and provide hope, intervention, rescue and assistance to women and children exploited in the sex industry by offering alternative employment, vocational opportunities, life-skills training and physical, emotional and spiritual development to women seeking freedom. You can visit them at NightLightInternational.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
The Stand
You stood before creation
Eternity within Your hand
You spoke the earth into motion
My soul now to stand
You stood before my failure
Carried the Cross for my shame
My sin weighed upon Your shoulders
My soul now to stand
So what can I say
What can I do
But offer this heart O God
Completely to You
So I'll walk upon salvation
Your Spirit alive in me
This life to declare Your promise
My soul now to stand
So what can I say
What can I do
But offer this heart O God
Completely to You
So I'll stand
With arms high and heart abandoned
In awe of the One who gave it all
So I'll stand
My soul Lord to You surrendered
All I am is Yours
The Stand, Hillsong United
Awaken my heart, O Lord, to the things that break yours.
As I look around me I see a fire spreading among the hearts of fellow believers. We feed off of each others stories, each others love, and each others faith. We get chills thinking of how God is working. Our hearts are breaking for those who do not know the love of the Lord. The Spirit is moving in a mighty way, fanning flames to create a revolution. We are a people changed. We are a people changing. God is ever present and ever working in our lives.
Eternity within Your hand
You spoke the earth into motion
My soul now to stand
You stood before my failure
Carried the Cross for my shame
My sin weighed upon Your shoulders
My soul now to stand
So what can I say
What can I do
But offer this heart O God
Completely to You
So I'll walk upon salvation
Your Spirit alive in me
This life to declare Your promise
My soul now to stand
So what can I say
What can I do
But offer this heart O God
Completely to You
So I'll stand
With arms high and heart abandoned
In awe of the One who gave it all
So I'll stand
My soul Lord to You surrendered
All I am is Yours
The Stand, Hillsong United
Awaken my heart, O Lord, to the things that break yours.
As I look around me I see a fire spreading among the hearts of fellow believers. We feed off of each others stories, each others love, and each others faith. We get chills thinking of how God is working. Our hearts are breaking for those who do not know the love of the Lord. The Spirit is moving in a mighty way, fanning flames to create a revolution. We are a people changed. We are a people changing. God is ever present and ever working in our lives.
Monday, April 12, 2010
Oh, the things that can happen with time
It has been over six years since I first met him and my fondness for him has never decreased. We went to a concert together last Monday and my heart was again drawn to him in an unusual and unique way. It has been a very long time since I have prayed and been brought to tears over someone's soul in the way that I have been this past week. I love him dearly and I am broken for his brokenness. I see God pursuing his heart, and him resisting the Lord. I see the love he has for God, without even realizing that's what it is. Oh Lord, how can I best serve him in light of you? How can I continue to put you first when I am being tugged at to love him? Lord, give me strength and have mercy upon me. You promise that you will go before me and be with me, I am counting on that.
_________________________
This past weekend was one filled with muchness. Much friends, much thinking, much driving, much fun, much love. Friday: Ladies Happy Hour followed by Game Night. Saturday: Picking up opera tickets from grandparents, cake decorating class with a friend followed by yummy Cracker Barrel lunch, momentary rest, Verdi's Rigoletto, movie with a friend. Sunday: blessed service at church, cultural enrichment visiting Little Kurdistan in Nashville, grocery shopping with a friend and visiting her house, dinner with family, mental illness movie and project.
The best and, to me, most interesting part of all this...I saw three out of my four crushes at several points this weekend. Two on Friday, one on Saturday, and then all three on Sunday...actually sat with all three of them over lunch in Little Kurdistan. Doing coffee with one Wednesday night after small group to talk about his trip to Africa.
_________________________
I have always wondered if the Lord wants me to be a missionary in a foreign land. I have always hesitated to take steps in that direction because I also have a heart for travel in general. Does my desire stem from God or from self? Please pray as I see the Lord working in my church and in my heart, that He would show me in ways that I cannot ignore, what He wants for me and from me. I question if he is calling me to counsel in other countries with these victims of war - the children soldiers and the young mothers who are only mothers because they were gang raped. I don't need a degree to do that, I just need to go.
_________________________
This past weekend was one filled with muchness. Much friends, much thinking, much driving, much fun, much love. Friday: Ladies Happy Hour followed by Game Night. Saturday: Picking up opera tickets from grandparents, cake decorating class with a friend followed by yummy Cracker Barrel lunch, momentary rest, Verdi's Rigoletto, movie with a friend. Sunday: blessed service at church, cultural enrichment visiting Little Kurdistan in Nashville, grocery shopping with a friend and visiting her house, dinner with family, mental illness movie and project.
The best and, to me, most interesting part of all this...I saw three out of my four crushes at several points this weekend. Two on Friday, one on Saturday, and then all three on Sunday...actually sat with all three of them over lunch in Little Kurdistan. Doing coffee with one Wednesday night after small group to talk about his trip to Africa.
_________________________
I have always wondered if the Lord wants me to be a missionary in a foreign land. I have always hesitated to take steps in that direction because I also have a heart for travel in general. Does my desire stem from God or from self? Please pray as I see the Lord working in my church and in my heart, that He would show me in ways that I cannot ignore, what He wants for me and from me. I question if he is calling me to counsel in other countries with these victims of war - the children soldiers and the young mothers who are only mothers because they were gang raped. I don't need a degree to do that, I just need to go.
Monday, April 5, 2010
Listening
Listening to the sounds that surround me at my office, the whirring of the air system, the tapping of keys on a keyboard, the siren wail of an emergency vehicle on the road six floors down, and the faint music from a co-worker's office, I think, what does God have me here for?
Over the past several weeks I have seen so many people around me GO and serve. And as He continues to work in me, I wonder, is this where He is leading me as well? I am finishing my second semester in my Master's program and it occurred to me about a week and a half ago, I don't need this degree to do the kind of work I'm wanting to do if I'm in a foreign country. So, really, what's the point?
The point is, I'm not confident that this is where God is directing my feet.
I have chosen to stay out of any kind of dating relationship for at least the next two months...well, just under two months now...until the end of May. I feel that God wants me to fall for HIM, not some boy here. At least not now. My heart still aches for my husband, to feel his arms wrapped around me and have his hand in mine. But I know that despite this longing, God's longing for me must be bigger and I want to honor Him, love Him, and give my attention to Him. But it's not easy for me when he's not tangible like a friend. I see Him in several people that surround me, I feel him wrap His arms around me in the warm breeze on a sunny day, but He's not here in the flesh, contained in one being here on earth as He once was, and I struggle with that.
So my prayer, and my questioning, has become: Where do you want me to be? What do you want me to do? And who do you want me to be? Lord, I am Yours, fully and completely, make me into who you want me to be, lead me into the areas where you want me to be, and equip me to do whatever it is you want me to do for you. Bless me oh Lord and have mercy upon me.
I am listening.
Over the past several weeks I have seen so many people around me GO and serve. And as He continues to work in me, I wonder, is this where He is leading me as well? I am finishing my second semester in my Master's program and it occurred to me about a week and a half ago, I don't need this degree to do the kind of work I'm wanting to do if I'm in a foreign country. So, really, what's the point?
The point is, I'm not confident that this is where God is directing my feet.
I have chosen to stay out of any kind of dating relationship for at least the next two months...well, just under two months now...until the end of May. I feel that God wants me to fall for HIM, not some boy here. At least not now. My heart still aches for my husband, to feel his arms wrapped around me and have his hand in mine. But I know that despite this longing, God's longing for me must be bigger and I want to honor Him, love Him, and give my attention to Him. But it's not easy for me when he's not tangible like a friend. I see Him in several people that surround me, I feel him wrap His arms around me in the warm breeze on a sunny day, but He's not here in the flesh, contained in one being here on earth as He once was, and I struggle with that.
So my prayer, and my questioning, has become: Where do you want me to be? What do you want me to do? And who do you want me to be? Lord, I am Yours, fully and completely, make me into who you want me to be, lead me into the areas where you want me to be, and equip me to do whatever it is you want me to do for you. Bless me oh Lord and have mercy upon me.
I am listening.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Vents Blow Hot Air
I don't quite know where to begin...
Perhaps I'm too sensitive.
I just saw a Facebook update that says a guy that I was dating (a couple months ago) is now in a relationship...and for some reason that stung. I knew that we had no potential, no future, and that's why we stopped dating. But still, my heart hurts just a little bit.
I am starting discipleship/accountability with a friend. We met for the first time last week and after telling her why I was wanting to start this process with her, she challenged me to take some time to not date. Instead, just refocus my life and spend time alone and with God. I've taken on this challenge and committed myself to at least 7-8 weeks...perhaps more. But still, seeing this guy's Facebook update hurt.
I've been feeling this week like I am being prepared for something. The thing is, I have no idea what that something is. I feel like I need to escape the everyday and find space in the wide open outdoors where I can lay out on the grass and read, and write, and sleep, and dream. Walden-esque anyone?
Perhaps I'm too sensitive.
I just saw a Facebook update that says a guy that I was dating (a couple months ago) is now in a relationship...and for some reason that stung. I knew that we had no potential, no future, and that's why we stopped dating. But still, my heart hurts just a little bit.
I am starting discipleship/accountability with a friend. We met for the first time last week and after telling her why I was wanting to start this process with her, she challenged me to take some time to not date. Instead, just refocus my life and spend time alone and with God. I've taken on this challenge and committed myself to at least 7-8 weeks...perhaps more. But still, seeing this guy's Facebook update hurt.
I've been feeling this week like I am being prepared for something. The thing is, I have no idea what that something is. I feel like I need to escape the everyday and find space in the wide open outdoors where I can lay out on the grass and read, and write, and sleep, and dream. Walden-esque anyone?
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Vulnerability and Trust
Vulnerable.
Adjective.
From the Latin vulnerare meaning to wound.
Date: 1605
1 : capable of being physically or emotionally wounded
2 : open to attack or damage : assailable
My first test was last night and it just so happened that I finished at the same time as a friend of mine. We were walking out to our cars when she started talking to me about what she's been going through...learning to really feel her emotions instead of recognizing them in an intellectual way and then moving on in life without processing through them. One of the things that we kept coming back to, either by her talking about it or by me connecting it with something she said, was vulnerability.
C.S. Lewis once wrote: "To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.”
So much can be seen in his words. We risk when we open ourselves to loving anything...anything at all. And I think that part of what plays into being willing to risk, is whether or not we are able to trust.
Do me a favor: Go to dictionary.com and look up the word trust.
I was astounded to find so many different definitions of the word when I did this.
Now go look at what I found when I searched for the biblical definition of the word trust: Biblical Word of the Month - Trust written by: Jeff A. Benner One of the things that struck me most was that the Hebrew language was as a concrete based language, meaning that each word can be sensed by one or more of our five senses. So trust takes on a whole new meaning: it's something concrete.
I had a revelation about two weeks ago. I realized that for a very long while now I've thought that finding the right man and getting married to him would help put an end to all my problems. I heard others say that marriage is hard, it compounds the difficulties you already face in life, and it is like looking into a mirror that reflects the areas you most need to work on in your life. While I heard what they were saying and recognized it as true in my head, I realized that I didn't really trust what they were saying was true in my heart.
In the same way, I realized that while I've thought in my head that finding and beginning a life with my husband would solve my problems, I knew all along in my heart that not only was this not true, but I knew already that God was the only one who could change that for me. And while I know that God is the answer, I don't really trust Him. And that's difficult for me to face.
So... At the end of the day, what can we do? We can trust love and we can make the commitment to being vulnerable.
Because we don't know what our future holds and it's not for us to know. But God does, so rest in that.
Adjective.
From the Latin vulnerare meaning to wound.
Date: 1605
1 : capable of being physically or emotionally wounded
2 : open to attack or damage : assailable
My first test was last night and it just so happened that I finished at the same time as a friend of mine. We were walking out to our cars when she started talking to me about what she's been going through...learning to really feel her emotions instead of recognizing them in an intellectual way and then moving on in life without processing through them. One of the things that we kept coming back to, either by her talking about it or by me connecting it with something she said, was vulnerability.
C.S. Lewis once wrote: "To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.”
So much can be seen in his words. We risk when we open ourselves to loving anything...anything at all. And I think that part of what plays into being willing to risk, is whether or not we are able to trust.
Do me a favor: Go to dictionary.com and look up the word trust.
I was astounded to find so many different definitions of the word when I did this.
Now go look at what I found when I searched for the biblical definition of the word trust: Biblical Word of the Month - Trust written by: Jeff A. Benner One of the things that struck me most was that the Hebrew language was as a concrete based language, meaning that each word can be sensed by one or more of our five senses. So trust takes on a whole new meaning: it's something concrete.
I had a revelation about two weeks ago. I realized that for a very long while now I've thought that finding the right man and getting married to him would help put an end to all my problems. I heard others say that marriage is hard, it compounds the difficulties you already face in life, and it is like looking into a mirror that reflects the areas you most need to work on in your life. While I heard what they were saying and recognized it as true in my head, I realized that I didn't really trust what they were saying was true in my heart.
In the same way, I realized that while I've thought in my head that finding and beginning a life with my husband would solve my problems, I knew all along in my heart that not only was this not true, but I knew already that God was the only one who could change that for me. And while I know that God is the answer, I don't really trust Him. And that's difficult for me to face.
So... At the end of the day, what can we do? We can trust love and we can make the commitment to being vulnerable.
Because we don't know what our future holds and it's not for us to know. But God does, so rest in that.
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Ramblings about the general everyday.
I want to be profound here, but let's be honest...all anyone can do is just be. Life, with all its eccentricities and wonders, can be both beautiful and devastating. We seem to spend all our time looking for something or someone. And in the end, we still haven't found it or them.
I guess what I'm trying to get at here is that very little in life is a given. Change is constant and God is absolute. Christ is, was, and is to come. Other than that, what do we have?
We have what we are allowed: our choices, the breath that we are taking, our minds, and our hearts. We have ourselves, as much as that is possible.
Some might argue that we have others: those we call family, friend, or acquaintance.
But I look at them and say, do you really have them? Or are you just allowed their company for the time being? How well can you really know someone else if you can't fully come to know yourself?
We are on this earth for but an instant, such a short period of time that we don't even have a good comparison, a good analogy for that shortness.
So what will you do with your time? Who will you love? Where will you go?
I guess what I'm trying to get at here is that very little in life is a given. Change is constant and God is absolute. Christ is, was, and is to come. Other than that, what do we have?
We have what we are allowed: our choices, the breath that we are taking, our minds, and our hearts. We have ourselves, as much as that is possible.
Some might argue that we have others: those we call family, friend, or acquaintance.
But I look at them and say, do you really have them? Or are you just allowed their company for the time being? How well can you really know someone else if you can't fully come to know yourself?
We are on this earth for but an instant, such a short period of time that we don't even have a good comparison, a good analogy for that shortness.
So what will you do with your time? Who will you love? Where will you go?
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Love & War by John & Staci Eldredge
"Daniel and Megan, you are about to abandon yourselves to each other, throw caution to the wind, forsake independence, isolation, and all others. You will vow to each other your undying love. before you do, we must call this what it is--this is perfect madness."
That got the crowd's attention.
"As an aspiration, how lovely. As a reality, how rare. Everyone wants love; everyone is looking for love. Few seem to find what they are looking for; fewer still seem able to sustain it. Why in heaven's name would you come to church to publicly dedicate yourselves to something so risky, so fraught with danger, so scandalous? 'The heart has its reasons,' Pascal confessed, 'that reason knows not of.' Deep in the wellspring of our hearts there is a desire--for intimacy, beauty, and adventure. And no matter what anyone might say, we look for it all the days of our lives.
"Friends, I know what you are thinking. As you watch this today, there is something in your heart that says, 'Well maybe. Maybe this time. Maybe this couple.' But what if, what if Daniel and Megan, in all their frail humanity, are living our before us right now a picture, a metaphor of something far more real and substantial. I'd like to suggest that this is no common passion play. Things are never what they seem. If you would see things clearly you must see with the eyes of the heart. That is the secret of every fairy tale, because it is the secret to the Gospel, because it is the secret to life.
"Scripture tells us that we might at any time entertain an angel simply by welcoming a stranger. The serpent in the garden is really the Prince of Darkness. The carpenter from Nazareth--there is more to him than meets the eye as well. Things are not what they seem, and so if we would understand our lives--and especially our marriages--we must listen again to the Gospel and the fairy tales based upon it. There are larger events unfolding around us, events of enormous consequence. A lamp is lit and love is lost. A box is opened and evil swarms into the worlds. An apple is taken and mankind is plunged into darkness. Moments of immense consequence are taking place all around us. Especially this.
"Dearly beloved, you see before you a man and a woman. But there is more here than meets the eye. God gave us this passion play to reenact, right here and now, the story of the ages. This is the story of mankind, the one story we have been telling ourselves over and over again, in every great myth and legend and poem and song. It is a love story, set in the midst of desperate times, set in the midst of war. It is a story of a shared quest. It is a story of romance. Daniel and Megan are playing out before you now the deepest and most mythic reality in the world. This is the story of God's romance with mankind."
...this is just part of an excerpt from chapter one of John & Staci Eldredge's new book, Love & War. You can find the rest of it here: Love & War Excerpt. I encourage you to at least look at this portion of the book, if for some reason you aren't inspired to go out & grab it right now. It looks incredible!
That got the crowd's attention.
"As an aspiration, how lovely. As a reality, how rare. Everyone wants love; everyone is looking for love. Few seem to find what they are looking for; fewer still seem able to sustain it. Why in heaven's name would you come to church to publicly dedicate yourselves to something so risky, so fraught with danger, so scandalous? 'The heart has its reasons,' Pascal confessed, 'that reason knows not of.' Deep in the wellspring of our hearts there is a desire--for intimacy, beauty, and adventure. And no matter what anyone might say, we look for it all the days of our lives.
"Friends, I know what you are thinking. As you watch this today, there is something in your heart that says, 'Well maybe. Maybe this time. Maybe this couple.' But what if, what if Daniel and Megan, in all their frail humanity, are living our before us right now a picture, a metaphor of something far more real and substantial. I'd like to suggest that this is no common passion play. Things are never what they seem. If you would see things clearly you must see with the eyes of the heart. That is the secret of every fairy tale, because it is the secret to the Gospel, because it is the secret to life.
"Scripture tells us that we might at any time entertain an angel simply by welcoming a stranger. The serpent in the garden is really the Prince of Darkness. The carpenter from Nazareth--there is more to him than meets the eye as well. Things are not what they seem, and so if we would understand our lives--and especially our marriages--we must listen again to the Gospel and the fairy tales based upon it. There are larger events unfolding around us, events of enormous consequence. A lamp is lit and love is lost. A box is opened and evil swarms into the worlds. An apple is taken and mankind is plunged into darkness. Moments of immense consequence are taking place all around us. Especially this.
"Dearly beloved, you see before you a man and a woman. But there is more here than meets the eye. God gave us this passion play to reenact, right here and now, the story of the ages. This is the story of mankind, the one story we have been telling ourselves over and over again, in every great myth and legend and poem and song. It is a love story, set in the midst of desperate times, set in the midst of war. It is a story of a shared quest. It is a story of romance. Daniel and Megan are playing out before you now the deepest and most mythic reality in the world. This is the story of God's romance with mankind."
...this is just part of an excerpt from chapter one of John & Staci Eldredge's new book, Love & War. You can find the rest of it here: Love & War Excerpt. I encourage you to at least look at this portion of the book, if for some reason you aren't inspired to go out & grab it right now. It looks incredible!
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Patience
Patience seems to be the theme in my life right now. I was talking with a friend over breakfast before work one day last week and we got on the topic of babies. As you already know, I'm 24, a full-time grad student, and work a full-time job. I'm not married. I'm not even currently dating. And I'm definitely not planning on having babies any time soon. (Though I desperately wish I were married and getting ready to have a child.) My friend's story is a little different. She's almost 30, has been married 5+ years (they've been together 10+ years), and is definitely ready for a baby.
The two of them have been arguing a lot lately over this and other, though still related, things. She has always been the one to hold down a good job while allowing him to pursue his creative talents. He's been in several bands and recently wrote a book. He is currently recording the audio version of said book and is also working on a short promo video for it. He's said (for years now) that they'll have a baby 'in two years.' They've finally come to a point where they've decided that they will begin to try in fall. Unfortunately, he's frustrated at her and recently said 'Well, why don't we just start trying in March?!' For most this would probably be a good thing, but for them, it's not. They're financially strapped and have to watch everything they spend, which includes some heavy planning for when would be a good time to have a due date for a baby.
The point is, my friend thought that things with him would be different after they'd been married for a while. They didn't. And now she's having to face the consequences of choosing someone she thought would change. I think that too many people today choose their spouses based on this kind of thinking.
'Oh, he'll get better about that.'
'She'll change her ways in time.'
But he doesn't get better and she doesn't change her ways and they end up divorced. It's a sad thing, divorce. As a child of divorced parents, I know how much I was hurt. I can only imagine what emotional roller-coasters my parents went through. I don't think that my friend and her husband will divorce, I don't think they're to that point. And knowing their personalities, I feel that when they took their vows, they meant them and nothing short of severe infidelity would separate the two of them...perhaps not even that if the one who stepped out were repentant.
But back to the theme of patience.
Having a baby takes patience.
To meet the man that will be my husband a develop a relationship with him takes patience.
Finishing my degree and getting my license takes patience.
All morning I've been listening to one song: Lead Us Back. It's one of my favorite songs. The lyrics are beautiful. It's a song that brings me comfort, puts forth to me a challenge, and shines with a soft inspiration to change my life. To be brought back to life in Christ takes patience.
I think that I'm stuck with this theme for a while...
Lead Us Back
by Bobby Gilles, Brooks Ritter
Falling down upon our knees
Sharing now in common shame
We have sought security
Not the cross that bears Your name
Fences guard our hearts and homes
Comfort sings a siren tune
We’re a valley of dry bones
Lead us back to life in You
Lord we fall upon our knees
We have shunned the weak and poor
Worshipped beauty, courted kings
And the things their gold affords
Prayed for those we’d like to know
Favor sings a siren tune
We’ve become a talent show
Lead us back to life in You
You have caused the blind to see
We have blinded him again
With our man-made laws and creeds
Eager, ready to condemn
Now we plead before Your throne
Power sings a siren tune
We’ve been throwing heavy stones
Lead us back to life in You
We’re a valley of dry bones
Lead us back to life in You
We’ve become a talent show
Lead us back to life in You
We’ve been throwing heavy stones
Lead us back to life in You
The two of them have been arguing a lot lately over this and other, though still related, things. She has always been the one to hold down a good job while allowing him to pursue his creative talents. He's been in several bands and recently wrote a book. He is currently recording the audio version of said book and is also working on a short promo video for it. He's said (for years now) that they'll have a baby 'in two years.' They've finally come to a point where they've decided that they will begin to try in fall. Unfortunately, he's frustrated at her and recently said 'Well, why don't we just start trying in March?!' For most this would probably be a good thing, but for them, it's not. They're financially strapped and have to watch everything they spend, which includes some heavy planning for when would be a good time to have a due date for a baby.
The point is, my friend thought that things with him would be different after they'd been married for a while. They didn't. And now she's having to face the consequences of choosing someone she thought would change. I think that too many people today choose their spouses based on this kind of thinking.
'Oh, he'll get better about that.'
'She'll change her ways in time.'
But he doesn't get better and she doesn't change her ways and they end up divorced. It's a sad thing, divorce. As a child of divorced parents, I know how much I was hurt. I can only imagine what emotional roller-coasters my parents went through. I don't think that my friend and her husband will divorce, I don't think they're to that point. And knowing their personalities, I feel that when they took their vows, they meant them and nothing short of severe infidelity would separate the two of them...perhaps not even that if the one who stepped out were repentant.
But back to the theme of patience.
Having a baby takes patience.
To meet the man that will be my husband a develop a relationship with him takes patience.
Finishing my degree and getting my license takes patience.
All morning I've been listening to one song: Lead Us Back. It's one of my favorite songs. The lyrics are beautiful. It's a song that brings me comfort, puts forth to me a challenge, and shines with a soft inspiration to change my life. To be brought back to life in Christ takes patience.
I think that I'm stuck with this theme for a while...
Lead Us Back
by Bobby Gilles, Brooks Ritter
Falling down upon our knees
Sharing now in common shame
We have sought security
Not the cross that bears Your name
Fences guard our hearts and homes
Comfort sings a siren tune
We’re a valley of dry bones
Lead us back to life in You
Lord we fall upon our knees
We have shunned the weak and poor
Worshipped beauty, courted kings
And the things their gold affords
Prayed for those we’d like to know
Favor sings a siren tune
We’ve become a talent show
Lead us back to life in You
You have caused the blind to see
We have blinded him again
With our man-made laws and creeds
Eager, ready to condemn
Now we plead before Your throne
Power sings a siren tune
We’ve been throwing heavy stones
Lead us back to life in You
We’re a valley of dry bones
Lead us back to life in You
We’ve become a talent show
Lead us back to life in You
We’ve been throwing heavy stones
Lead us back to life in You
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Stream of Consciousness
Here is an update and a bit of a processing moment for me.
What I learned in class:
1. Blue Eyes broke up with a girl because they both felt like God had more to do in their lives. Don't know if this means they still have feelings for each other or not. He refers to her as a good friend. They attend the same church. He's on a 21 day TV & Facebook fast...not for lent, just because he felt like God was telling him to.
2. Don't know if Mr. S is gay or not but I did overhear him saying to a friend of mine that he's trying to save money. Of course my mind immediately goes to 'for a ring' but I can't be sure I heard that. Either way, I'm backing off.
3. I'm still pretty sensitive to talking about family issues. My parents divorced about 10 years ago over my father's lack of financial responsibility and multiple infidelities (that varied in taste, might I add...what started out as a porn addiction escalated to full-blown relationships with members of both sexes).
Needless to say, I have daddy issues. I don't know any girl who's gone through something like this that doesn't have daddy issues. However, I feel I must also inform you that I am actively working to overcome these issues.
What I learned after class:
The background story: E is a guy that immediately stuck me as a nice & funny, but COMPLETELY superficial guy. Not honest in the least. As I've come to spend more class time with him, I have discovered that E has a very interesting and somewhat sordid past...I am fighting some sort of cold I think, recently started a new kind or birth control because my insurance no longer covered the one I was on, and was already on edgy emotionally due to the family issues discussion in class so when E asked me as we were leaving last night if I was coming with the group to hang out I told him no because 'I didn't want to rip him to shreds.' Who wouldn't that start a conversation with???
What the resolution (sort of) was: E wants to work on the fact that he irks me...more specifically on coming off as a superficial goofball who's not honest (my words, not his). I originally struck him as friendly...up until last night when he complimented me on the new hair color and I was hostile towards him: had the attitude of 'why on earth would YOU notice that???' He wants to "at least be on a friendship level" with me.
We talked about why I don't trust him and the difference, in my opinion, between lying and being honest. Lying is lying but being honest means letting people in, not just telling your stories and your experiences, but sharing who you are...being vulnerable. And while I understand why he's hesitant to trust and be honest...it's still not ok with me.
Processing of what happened after class: Why should it matter to me? I think it matters because I see him as someone who's not getting the most out of his life. I think it matters because I think I can help him. But boy, oh boy, is that ever NOT good for me. He's the type of guy I want to go after to date. He's attractive. He's funny. He has a nice smile. And he's messed up. At least I can recognize this and keep myself in check. Don't go after him. Be open to being friends with him, but let's leave it at that.
What I learned in class:
1. Blue Eyes broke up with a girl because they both felt like God had more to do in their lives. Don't know if this means they still have feelings for each other or not. He refers to her as a good friend. They attend the same church. He's on a 21 day TV & Facebook fast...not for lent, just because he felt like God was telling him to.
2. Don't know if Mr. S is gay or not but I did overhear him saying to a friend of mine that he's trying to save money. Of course my mind immediately goes to 'for a ring' but I can't be sure I heard that. Either way, I'm backing off.
3. I'm still pretty sensitive to talking about family issues. My parents divorced about 10 years ago over my father's lack of financial responsibility and multiple infidelities (that varied in taste, might I add...what started out as a porn addiction escalated to full-blown relationships with members of both sexes).
Needless to say, I have daddy issues. I don't know any girl who's gone through something like this that doesn't have daddy issues. However, I feel I must also inform you that I am actively working to overcome these issues.
What I learned after class:
The background story: E is a guy that immediately stuck me as a nice & funny, but COMPLETELY superficial guy. Not honest in the least. As I've come to spend more class time with him, I have discovered that E has a very interesting and somewhat sordid past...I am fighting some sort of cold I think, recently started a new kind or birth control because my insurance no longer covered the one I was on, and was already on edgy emotionally due to the family issues discussion in class so when E asked me as we were leaving last night if I was coming with the group to hang out I told him no because 'I didn't want to rip him to shreds.' Who wouldn't that start a conversation with???
What the resolution (sort of) was: E wants to work on the fact that he irks me...more specifically on coming off as a superficial goofball who's not honest (my words, not his). I originally struck him as friendly...up until last night when he complimented me on the new hair color and I was hostile towards him: had the attitude of 'why on earth would YOU notice that???' He wants to "at least be on a friendship level" with me.
We talked about why I don't trust him and the difference, in my opinion, between lying and being honest. Lying is lying but being honest means letting people in, not just telling your stories and your experiences, but sharing who you are...being vulnerable. And while I understand why he's hesitant to trust and be honest...it's still not ok with me.
Processing of what happened after class: Why should it matter to me? I think it matters because I see him as someone who's not getting the most out of his life. I think it matters because I think I can help him. But boy, oh boy, is that ever NOT good for me. He's the type of guy I want to go after to date. He's attractive. He's funny. He has a nice smile. And he's messed up. At least I can recognize this and keep myself in check. Don't go after him. Be open to being friends with him, but let's leave it at that.
Monday, February 15, 2010
Flirtations
This has been a strange last few days. Thursday I saw Mr. S (the one with the awesome smile) and asked him how I can make him smile more often. He said 'nothing' and that by the time he makes it to class he's exhausted. The glance back blue eyed boy has still been glancing back but hasn't said anything to me since I asked him to dinner after class not this past Thursday, but the one before. I found him on Facebook today and despite his self proclamation of being straight laced (which I wasn't too keen on), I liked what I saw...
I had a girlfriend come to church with me Sunday and we went to lunch afterward. We talked about the boys and she said that she thinks Mr. S is quite possibly gay. Hmm...hadn't thought that but it is indeed possible. She has said that she will find out and that I shouldn't do anything until we know. Agreed. Then we got to talking about another boy in class...they work together and I'm attracted to him. But I recognize that I'm attracted to him because I want to fix him. He puts off this air of being fun but very superficial. He doesn't allow others in. I asked her to keep me accountable in NOT falling for him but in keeping a rational mind.
Another friend of mine told her best guy friend that the two of us should get married. He's a 32 year old divorced father of two boys. Now granted, he's attractive. He had asked her a few months ago if she thought I'd go out with him if he asked. I said no because 1)they're good friends and I'm one of her best friends 2) I'm looking for my husband and he's just looking to date and 3) he's fake -- I'd never seen anything real from him in the time we'd been hanging out. Then we went to see him & one of his sons at Chick-Fil-A and it completely threw me for a loop. He was real and he was loving. For the first time I saw a part of him that was true. And for a while, I entertained the idea of liking him. But in the end, what it comes down to is that he's not my type and...I'm right, he's not looking for a relationship.
Perhaps I'll have more after class tomorrow night. The three boys are all in that class...let's see where this goes.
With love,
Sofi
I had a girlfriend come to church with me Sunday and we went to lunch afterward. We talked about the boys and she said that she thinks Mr. S is quite possibly gay. Hmm...hadn't thought that but it is indeed possible. She has said that she will find out and that I shouldn't do anything until we know. Agreed. Then we got to talking about another boy in class...they work together and I'm attracted to him. But I recognize that I'm attracted to him because I want to fix him. He puts off this air of being fun but very superficial. He doesn't allow others in. I asked her to keep me accountable in NOT falling for him but in keeping a rational mind.
Another friend of mine told her best guy friend that the two of us should get married. He's a 32 year old divorced father of two boys. Now granted, he's attractive. He had asked her a few months ago if she thought I'd go out with him if he asked. I said no because 1)they're good friends and I'm one of her best friends 2) I'm looking for my husband and he's just looking to date and 3) he's fake -- I'd never seen anything real from him in the time we'd been hanging out. Then we went to see him & one of his sons at Chick-Fil-A and it completely threw me for a loop. He was real and he was loving. For the first time I saw a part of him that was true. And for a while, I entertained the idea of liking him. But in the end, what it comes down to is that he's not my type and...I'm right, he's not looking for a relationship.
Perhaps I'll have more after class tomorrow night. The three boys are all in that class...let's see where this goes.
With love,
Sofi
Friday, February 12, 2010
The Church in Haiti
To give you a sense of the condition of Haiti...the people of Haiti...and the Christians of Haiti I suggest you watch this video.
Mark Driscoll traveled to Haiti about 48 hours after the earthquake that brought the city to so much trauma. May your hearts be touched by his message and the images that you see here.
Mark Driscoll traveled to Haiti about 48 hours after the earthquake that brought the city to so much trauma. May your hearts be touched by his message and the images that you see here.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Boys, boys, boys...
In talking with some girlfriends this past weekend, I was convinced to start a blog. I think they wanted me to start one partly because I write and partly because they wanted to hear about my guys more often and in more detail. So here you are ladies, with...well, most...of the gory details.
For those of you who've know me for a while, you know that I've always been the girl with crushes. For those of you who don't know, in high school I believe I had a crush on at least one new guys each week. And most weeks, I was crushing on more than one guy. My first serious relationship wasn't until college and boy was that a train wreck!
Cut to present, about three years post-break-up: I've joined eHarmony (eH), yes, that's right...eHarmony (eH). We'll avoid talking about whether or not you should use it and instead I'll say that I've been dating/talking to a guy I met through eH for about two months now. We've had great dates. He's fun to be with. And yes, the boy can kiss! I heartily approve of the affection he gives.
Here's the catch...about two months before we started dating/talking the girl that he'd been dating moved four hours away to go to school. There was one night that he'd asked her to be his girlfriend and she said 'Let me think about it.' They both knew four hours was a long ways away and neither of them would be able to travel to see the other person very much. Because she hesitated, he started rethinking and by the time they got back together (the next day, I think) he'd decided it would be a bad decision to be committed to each other while being that far apart. She said he gave up too easily and they she was going to say yes.
Well guess what the cat dragged in? You got it...she's baaaack! And supposedly it's partly because of him. But see, here's what I don't get about the whole thing... 1) If she was going to say yes and he was interested to begin with, what went wrong just before she left? I would've talked things through with the guy if I were in her position and would like to have left as his girlfriend...even if it didn't work out in the long run. 2) If part of the reason behind why she moved back is him, why hasn't she been spending more time with him? Why, when he asked her to go out with him, did she say she needed to think about it (again, may I point out). 3) Why, after he'd stuck around for over two weeks waiting for an answer from her and he finally tells her he's beginning to wear thin waiting, does she say, "Well then why are you waiting?"
Doesn't sound like she wants him to me.
So...at this point I guess I should tell you that I've never been the girl who just casually dates. I know if I want a relationship with a guy and I want him to be with just me. If I don't think he has husband potential chances are I'm not going out with him. This guy has that potential. And bit by bit he's getting pieces of my heart, hard as I may try to keep them from him. So this whole dating/talking thing we're doing just keeps getting progressively harder. In an attempt to cope with this, I've decided to have fun flirting with the two cuties in some of my grad classes.
I'm not taken and as he can't make up his mind between me and this other girl I'm going to make it a point to try and keep my mind open too. One of these cuties from class has been doing the backwards glance at me for a few weeks now...but he didn't have the balls to talk to me. Finally last week I asked him to come out for dinner and drinks with me and another girl from class.
He faltered. He asked some questions. Then he told me that he's not a drinker, he's pretty straight laced, and actually he was headed home to study. But.....we should do coffee sometime. When do I get on campus? As I work a full time job, I'm not leaving work until an hour before class. So after class? Yes, but he'll have to give me a heads up because I don't generally stick around after class. He still hasn't said anything to me and we've had two more class since then. Maybe he'll get his nerve up tonight.
But the other cutie happens to actually sit next to me in this class. I knew I liked him from day one...I just didn't know I liked him as a potential husband until we looked into each others eyes and he smiled. Ladies, have you ever had that moment when your heart seems to stop and you can't breathe and it's all because of some boy? That was this moment for me. Never, and I mean never, have I ever seen a smile so mesmerizing, so infecting, and so gorgeous! I have to see this smile more often!
I leave for class in less than an hour. Two out of my three boys will be there. So what's my plan? To smile, to flirt, and to ask Mr. S how I can make him smile more often. I simply must know.
With love,
Sofi
For those of you who've know me for a while, you know that I've always been the girl with crushes. For those of you who don't know, in high school I believe I had a crush on at least one new guys each week. And most weeks, I was crushing on more than one guy. My first serious relationship wasn't until college and boy was that a train wreck!
Cut to present, about three years post-break-up: I've joined eHarmony (eH), yes, that's right...eHarmony (eH). We'll avoid talking about whether or not you should use it and instead I'll say that I've been dating/talking to a guy I met through eH for about two months now. We've had great dates. He's fun to be with. And yes, the boy can kiss! I heartily approve of the affection he gives.
Here's the catch...about two months before we started dating/talking the girl that he'd been dating moved four hours away to go to school. There was one night that he'd asked her to be his girlfriend and she said 'Let me think about it.' They both knew four hours was a long ways away and neither of them would be able to travel to see the other person very much. Because she hesitated, he started rethinking and by the time they got back together (the next day, I think) he'd decided it would be a bad decision to be committed to each other while being that far apart. She said he gave up too easily and they she was going to say yes.
Well guess what the cat dragged in? You got it...she's baaaack! And supposedly it's partly because of him. But see, here's what I don't get about the whole thing... 1) If she was going to say yes and he was interested to begin with, what went wrong just before she left? I would've talked things through with the guy if I were in her position and would like to have left as his girlfriend...even if it didn't work out in the long run. 2) If part of the reason behind why she moved back is him, why hasn't she been spending more time with him? Why, when he asked her to go out with him, did she say she needed to think about it (again, may I point out). 3) Why, after he'd stuck around for over two weeks waiting for an answer from her and he finally tells her he's beginning to wear thin waiting, does she say, "Well then why are you waiting?"
Doesn't sound like she wants him to me.
So...at this point I guess I should tell you that I've never been the girl who just casually dates. I know if I want a relationship with a guy and I want him to be with just me. If I don't think he has husband potential chances are I'm not going out with him. This guy has that potential. And bit by bit he's getting pieces of my heart, hard as I may try to keep them from him. So this whole dating/talking thing we're doing just keeps getting progressively harder. In an attempt to cope with this, I've decided to have fun flirting with the two cuties in some of my grad classes.
I'm not taken and as he can't make up his mind between me and this other girl I'm going to make it a point to try and keep my mind open too. One of these cuties from class has been doing the backwards glance at me for a few weeks now...but he didn't have the balls to talk to me. Finally last week I asked him to come out for dinner and drinks with me and another girl from class.
He faltered. He asked some questions. Then he told me that he's not a drinker, he's pretty straight laced, and actually he was headed home to study. But.....we should do coffee sometime. When do I get on campus? As I work a full time job, I'm not leaving work until an hour before class. So after class? Yes, but he'll have to give me a heads up because I don't generally stick around after class. He still hasn't said anything to me and we've had two more class since then. Maybe he'll get his nerve up tonight.
But the other cutie happens to actually sit next to me in this class. I knew I liked him from day one...I just didn't know I liked him as a potential husband until we looked into each others eyes and he smiled. Ladies, have you ever had that moment when your heart seems to stop and you can't breathe and it's all because of some boy? That was this moment for me. Never, and I mean never, have I ever seen a smile so mesmerizing, so infecting, and so gorgeous! I have to see this smile more often!
I leave for class in less than an hour. Two out of my three boys will be there. So what's my plan? To smile, to flirt, and to ask Mr. S how I can make him smile more often. I simply must know.
With love,
Sofi
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